It’s true, I’m 31 now. I don’t know how I got to this point, and I’m not sure I like being here with 1/3rd of my life over. But here I sit on throw pillows in my apartment, eating lemon drops, and jamming out to Charli XCX like I’m 13.  I think I have age dyslexia.

Anyhoo, I’ve noticed that one of the cool things about getting older is actually appreciating all the shit ya got.  I’ve had a few circumstances in my life where I kind of sit back and go “shit man.. I have some goddamn fucking awesome friends. And I dont even know why they like me, but even if it’s out of pity, I lucked the motherfuckignshit out.”   And one of those times was this past weekend on my birthday extravagannnzaaaa.

As all 3 of you readers know, I kind of go crazy on my birthday and celebrate for a whole week.. or two.. and this birthday was to be a big’un. Over the course of the first half of 2014 I had planned a mega trip to Universal Studios to celebrate the big 13, I mean 31.  WELL. Those painstaking, amazing plans were thrown in the garbage, and I have cried many a time since about it since.  I still kept the week off work, and decided to wallow in my misery those 9 days.. I actually did wallow in misery for most of my vacation, but that was because my body decided to hadouken the shit out of my uterus, and I had to deal with my lady time for the majority of my staycation, but what I’m trying to say is that I didn’t have the chance to wallow in misery about the loss of my carefully planned Universal vacation, because of the surprise bday party my supermotherfuckignawesome friends put together!

My girly night lady friends came over Friday night and surprised me by setting up a balls-out amazing pinterest-esque Harry Potter birthday, and it was the best thing EVER.






OMG butterbeer cupcakes and chocolate frogs!

OMG butterbeer cupcakes and chocolate frogs!

WTF cheese broomsticks how CUTE IS THIS?

WTF cheese broomsticks how CUTE IS THIS?

That bean dip was the shit.



Dude, Amy even made wands out of superglue and.. sticks. HA!

Fairly sure this is sacrilegious..

Fairly sure this is sacrilegious..




Wizard ladies of the night: Amy, Casey, Andrea, Teri   **

Of course I had a Slytherin scarf. And I also got a legit Draco Malfoy wand!

Hell yeah I'm riding a vacuum. I'm a modern wizard

Hell yeah I’m riding a vacuum. I’m a modern wizard

We had a good ole time hanging out, eating lots of shit, and talking about the dirty things girls talk about when they hang out. Well, girls who hang out around me, anyway. ** Honorable mention goes to Kara and Troy for doing recon work **

The next day (my actual birthday day) my family took me out to breakfast at the Hyatt downtown, cos we’re fancy bitches like that, and I was gifted some awesome toy skulls from after we trekked down to Congress to see his art stand in front of that one Mexican art museum. The morning was really fun, even with Audrey trying to walk downtown in high heels for an hour. No one got whistled at, which was disappointing, but we all had a great time (I think).

Later that night my 2 besties Andrea and Kara took me to Fork n Vine, and that was some hilarious times as well. They sat the 3 of us at a 6 top giant round table, and after Kara and I expressed our displeasure at not being sat at a booth, we had a shit ton of people falling over themselves to make us happy to the point where it was a bit of overkill, but whatever, fuck all the couples there IT’S MY BIRTHDAY. Either way, we ate a metric crap load of food, and it was all fantastic. Here’s a pic of Andrea swirling her Perrier to open up the fine body and light crisp notes of no-taste.

yes, quite.

yes, quite.

Um.. we didn’t really get any other pics because I always forget to do that sort of thing, but we had a great time hanging out till the wee hours of the morning.

SO yeah! Awesome times, great way to start my 31st year of life and all that jazz. I also ended up getting a 90 minute deep tissue massage that was so tortuously painful and wonderful I’m pretty sure I paid for a S&M session without realizing it. I rounded out the vacation with yet another massage (only 60 minutes this time) where the table vibrated the whole time.. I swear one day I’m going to write a blog on all my weird ass massage experiences… but that blog is not today’s blog.

Also, thanks to everyone who wished me happy birthday on FB! Not sure if any of yall read this, or read this far down, but THERE YOU GO.

Sooo.. things have changed

Hi there. Enough about me. Watcha thinkin’ about?

So lots of things have happened in the past year. I feel like this update should be dedicated to explaining the split up of Troy and me, like we’re Beyonce and JayZ publicly announcing a split, but part of me just wants to brush over it and talk about my favorite Movies of 2014.

TL; DP (too long didn’t post) Troy and I amicably ended our 3 year stint together about 5 months ago. I moved out and am now on a 1 week staycation where I should have been in FL having the best harry potter time of my life for my 31st birthday, but instead am sitting on my ass stuffing my face with popcorn and crying while I monitor the Universal Studios App. Ha ha.. not really. That only happened once. Mostly I just cry while watching the movies.

But yes, mommy and daddy have split up. We still love you both, though, and will try extra hard to win your affection with presents and no curfews! Is that a thing? Do kids still have curfews these days?  I feel like once you give your 3 year old an iPhone all rules and authority go out the window…

Anyhoo! Here are my all time favorite movies I watched during 2014 (not to be confused with reviews of movies that came out in 2014..) (also, after saving the images I realized that all these movies contain a shit ton of nudity. If that gets your panties in a wad don’t watch ANY  of these. My words don’t contain nudity, so you’re ok to keep reading):

4. Nymphomaniac Vol 1 and 2:


Honestly, there weren’t too many images I could find to post on this public blog.. but this movie was absolutely incredible, beautiful, and fascinating.  Even the intro just blew my socks off (you can never go wrong with Rammstein, in my opinion).

Yes, it’s about a nymphomaniac,  and it’s long as hell, but I could have watched Vol 3-10 if they had been made. Vol 1 gets you familiar with the protagonist, and some crazy as shit stuff she goes through, whereas Vol 2 is the girl grown up played by Charlotte Gainsbourg. I’ve only seen this actress in a few fluffy movies, so it was kind of disconcerting to see her in this sort of role, but I am crazy about her to pieces.  Also Shia LaBeouf and Uma Thurman are in this movie (wtf?) and shit man, this movie is crazy. Definitely not for the faint of heart…

Weirdly enough it was written and directed by the same dude who did Melancholia (Lars Von Trier), which I totally fucking hated, so.. alright then.

#3.  Take this Waltz


OMG OMG OMG. This movie just broke my heart into a million pieces. I am forever in love with Michelle Williams. Once again, another visually stimulating movie with beautiful colors and emotion and…

Seth Rogen WTF??

Seth Rogen WTF??

YEAH. Seth Rogen, are you shitting me? I haven’t cared for him since his 40 Year Old Virgin days, and it was pretty nice to see him in a romantic drama where I actually sorta feel bad for him, and not in the normal “aw, you have a JewFro” kind of way.

The synopsis is that she and Seth are married and disgustingly in love, but there are a few things missing in the relationship. She forms a bond with a super hot dude she met on vacation, and ultimately has to decide whether or not to leave her sweet, boring husband to run off with something new and shiny. The ending was kind of lost on me since I’m not sure how she felt about her decisions, but that’s kind of neat because I feel like you can draw your own conclusions about a situation that I feel a lot of people cross during their lifetime.


Also Sarah Silverman is fantastic, and there’s a screen involving blue pool dye that is fucking hilarious. You get to see both of them completely nude if that’s your thing, but it comes with a price of seeing quite a few other.. older.. women nude.

I watched this movie during a pretty heartwrenching time in my life, and this movie just tore what was left to pieces and then stomped all over it, but in a good way.  I recently watched it again to make sure that my love for this movie wasn’t just an emotional connection, and I loved it much more the 2nd time around.  I will buy this movie one day, that’s how much I love it.

#2 Under the Skin


This movie.. holy shit. HOLY SHIT, MAN. Just trying to find images to put up here.. I felt SO sick thinking about this movie. It is by far one of the most amazing movies I have ever seen.. and the symbolism! FUCK GRAVITY and fuck all the awards it won and fuck everyone who ever said that movie was good.. Gravity is total garbage with shitty overt symbolism compared to Under the Skin.

I was immediately connected with this movie once it began, and just felt every single fucking part of it, and couldn’t get the screen close enough to my face.  It’s incredible to feel that way about a movie when you’re not even fucked up on anything.

Basic gist is that Scarlett is part of a group of aliens that comes to earth specifically to collect humans for.. a reason. I mean, just that part right there.. unless I totally missed it I don’t even think you find out what they use the humans for!  You see Scarlett driving around trying to seduce men into her van and I DON’T EVEN WANT TO GIVE ANY MORE AWAY.

I guess the British never learned to not get into a white van

I guess the British never learned to not get into a white van

And ohhhmygod it has one of the most intense scenes EVER of a dude trying to save a drowning couple, and I just wanted to vomit the whole time. And the fucking soundtrack! It fucking pierces your brain and punches you in the stomach each time she goes out hunting for another human. AGH I need to watch this movie again NOW!  Quite a bit of the movie is watching Scarlett observing humans, so if you don’t like long drawn out visually stunning scenes then this ain’t for you, toots. It’s just crazy how this movie was so silent, yet so loud and chilling at the same time.  And then there’s all this crazy symbolism about human life in general and it’s A CRAZY FUCKING MOVIE, MAN.  Afterwards I wanted to read as much as I could about it, and found out some really interesting shit. You should do that, too.  If.. if you watch it. I can see how this movie isn’t for everyone. ESPECIALLY THE PART ABOUT THE BABY OMG SORRY I HAD TO SAY IT.

#1. Vamp U

And now for something completely different. Like, all those other movies were just intense, and then Vamp U hahah what? This looks like a shitty joke of a movie, and don’t get me wrong it kind of is. But it was SO much funnier than I expected. Something I learned from Sorority Boys and Dirty Love, never judge a movie by it’s skanky cover.



The only reason I watched this movie was because I needed something on for background noise while I played 2 Dots on my phone. I watched the trailer on hulu and something sparked my interest, I dont remember what, but I’M SO GLAD I WAS BORED THAT DAY.

Because I’m basically in love with Adam Johnson now:


Side note, I feel like this movie got the teeth down right…

It’s terribly low budget (I think the director screwed all his kikstarter donors over, haha), and the dialogue is really off at times…  but I laughed so hard a few times I almost peed my pants.  It seriously reminds me of a movie I would have made, had I gone to a decent college and also had I been motivated in driven while attending said imaginary college.

Breakdown is that Adam plays a really old vampire named Wayne Gretsky (HAHAHA why? I dont know!) who accidentally murders the love of his life, and as a result cannot grow his fangs anymore. Present day finds him as a professor of history at a college, and he takes up with a girl who reminds him of his dead love.   The movie is all over the fucking place, but I love it to pieces, and will also buy this movie somehow. Gary Cole is also in it, if you’re into him.  It has a 22% on Rotten Tomatoes, but Gravity has 98%, so we all know we can’t trust the masses.

I honestly think that people expected this movie to be a super campy parody of vampire movies with lots of gratuitous nudity, or something. It’s not really, it’s just a fucking story with bad writing and hilarious actors.  The only thing is that you have to kind of pay attention to what’s going on. After the first 15 minutes I put my phone down and paid full attention because I was tired of rewinding to catch something hilarious I though I heard…  Watch it. Watch it by yourself, if you can. I don’t need you and your significant other thinking the other person thinks it’s stupid, which will always affect your own judgment.   That’s right, I know how you couples look to each other for approval. I can say that now because I”m a bitter single cat lady spinster.

Ok byeeee!

Legit Vacation Day 1!


SOO for the past 2 days I have been obsessively reading about Universal Studios vacation information and tips, and it has inspired me to continue my vacation blog and HOLY SHIT I just realized my birthday vacation was only 3 months ago and it seriously feels like we went to Florida over a year ago, what the hell??   I guess so much bullshit was jampacked into the past 3 months it feels like it was forever ago that I had the best time of my life; I keep trying to refer to our vacation as “last year.”  Eitherway, it just finally dawned on me that there is a possibility we may go back again next year for the HARRY POTTER LAND EXPANSION  (if everything is still smooth sailing and intact) which means it’s never too early to start obsessively planning since it’s what I do and I can’t sleep at nights anymore knowing we may go back because I lay awake thinking about all the deals I should check out to save money.

Back to the blog! Allow us to rewind to the not so distant past of 3.5 months ago, dated February 13th:

We woke up especially early at our Avanti resort hotel to take advantage of the short(er) line at the in-house Starbucks, grabbed some coffee, and hopped on to the complimentary resort shuttle. After a few stops at other hotels to pick up some other bitches, and 20-ish min later, we arrived at UNIVERSAL FREAKIN’ STUDIOS.  I just.. I just cant even describe the magical-ness I experienced.  Mind  you, I have only ever been to 6 flags or Fiesta Texas, which (lets face it), are complete shit holes compared to Universal. Since this was my first ever legit vacation with no parents/authorities to supervise, I kiiiiiiinda went a bit nuts planning out every exact detail during our park trip. I should mention here that we got express passes (basically cutting in line ahead of all the poor people) only for my birthday which fell on that Friday of our trip.

We originally got 2 days of dual park passes which came with a 3rd day for free. The first day I decided to take us through Universal Studios instead of Islands of Adventure to the absolute SURPRISE AND SHOCK OF … well, no one but myself and Troy, really.  Islands of Adventure (from here on out I will abbreviate as IoA) contains the Harry Potter Land (shut up that’s what I call it) which I have been desperate to visit since before it’s inception in 2010. Even before they decided to build it I always said I’d KILL to go to Harry Potter Land. I had been pining to visit HPL for flippin’ ever and one (no one) would think I’d start my vacation there; my decision to hit Universal first in lieu of IoA for that first day was purely strategic because I am one smart motherfucker.  Here’s why:

You see, I seriously read and watched every article, video, blog, and rumor about the parks (mostly from, a crazy awesome website). I found a calendar which projects how busy the parks will be, and found that the 1st day we were visiting (Thursday) would be a Slow day. The following day (Friday, my birthday) would be under the Moderately busy status, and Saturday would be legitly Busy.   Since we didn’t have express passes for Thursday, I deduced we should hit Universal Studios first as there would be little to no lines since Universal is seemingly less popular, and express passes would be rendered futile with no lines; we could then spend all the next crowd-busier day at IoA/Harry Potter Land with our Express passes, and bypass all the ridiculous lines.

When it comes to vacations and planning, avoiding people is my #1 priority. Having fun is just a distant second, and is usually just a  happy accident of my intense planning to stay away from crowds.


When we walked up the entryway’s enormous staircase and across the connector (with moving walkways!) we noticed these huge groups of Latina girls all wearing matching jackets and backpacks and hair gel.  I exclaimed outloud “FUCKING SHIT, DID WE COME HERE DURING A QUINCEANERA???”  and in all seriousness I held on to this belief until about mid-day when I found out they were tour groups for some “young girl’s association” bullshit.  We ran down the moving walkways (super fun it feels like you are the Flash and I highly recommend it)  and around the insanely enormous group of matchy matchy Latinas to bypass all that bullshit of waiting in line behind them to enter the turnstiles.


Horrible collage because FUCK MSPAINT

We finally got through to enter Universal Studios side and it literally felt like we were walking through an abandoned lot of a movie set. There was almost NO ONE there and we had the run of the place!  I just cant even describe the happiness and magic I felt all balled up inside me. We were 2 kids running around totally unsupervised in a magic play land. We could do whatever the fuck we wanted.

First stop was the Transformers ride!

Day1 pic 2


You all may be familiar with the above pic since It’s usually my FB profile. I was so excited when we walked up I started jumping up and down and screaming. There was no one else in the building!



oooOOOoo a glowy thing!

We had to do army style rolls over and under all the rails because walking through the mile of unoccupied queue would have taken forever. We got to the front and I think we surprised a few of the attendants who weren’t expecting riders that early. They were like dejected losers in HS who sat off in the dinstance and watched all the popular ride attendants be all flashy n’ shit and get all the girls.  Either way, they were all decked out in army gear and called us “recruits” or something. The ride itself was pretty awesome, but I don’t remember much of it because I was trying too hard to take it all in.

The gist is that you are in a squad car trying to apprehend the bad guys, and it’s all 3D with the glasses (BOOOO), and at one point Optimus Prime gets down on one knee to personally thank you for helping out. I do remember screaming like a little bitch and pressing an imaginary break pedal as hard as I could during all the crazy parts.  When our car drove back up to the attendants waiting to help us out they all clapped for us and  yelled that we did a good job. I found that this is a recurring theme with all the rides- each ride starts out like a normal run of the mill time but you somehow end up getting roped into an action packed mini-movie and then everyone applauds you at the end.  It was a bit awkward having a bunch of grown adults clapping at just me and Troy with no other children in sight, which the theme is clearly geared for, but I was laughing my ass off the whole time, so it was all ok.


Would have been awesome if MY FINGER WASN'T IN THE WAY

Would have been awesome if MY FINGER WASN’T IN THE WAY


The next stop was supposed to be the Minion ride right across the street, but at 9:30am the line was already too long so we did a switcharoo and went to Shrek, instead. Now…  even with this trip being the absolute most amazing experience of my life, I do have to say that a few of the rides were a complete let down. Maybe it was because Transformers was recently built with better technology and Shrek was kinda dated, but I actually hated the Shrek “ride.”  But lets get to the worst part, first, before I explain why the ride sucked.

Waiting for the ride

You can’t see it, but it’s the 3 little pigs in the boxes

The above pic is the room you wait in before you get into the auditorium. This is Troy’s pic from his iPhone.  I TRIED to take a picture with my camera, but in the pitch dark room I didn’t realize my flash was on. My camera emitted a split second blinding light, and all 50 people in the room immediately turned to face me to give me most blood curdling murderous looks possible;  not only was that horribly embarrassing, but TROY basically disowned me and shook his head as he stepped back and pretended he didn’t  know the idiot with the flash. An attendant told me to stop taking pictures or I’d be kicked out, and the guy in front of me kept turning around throughout the whole mini-show to give me looks like he wanted to kill me on the spot. Seriously, guy? It happened 8 minutes ago, you’ll have to let it go eventually.  Maybe somewhere off in a distant blog he furiously wrote about the bitch with the flash who ruined his whole day at Universal Studios.  GOOD I hope I ruined his day!

The doors finally opened to let us in the auditorium and I scurried in to sit off to the far left away from everyone.  The show itself was just a big screen, 3D glasses, and chairs that kind of jerked you around.  The story was really annoyingly stupid and the whole 15 minutes I was hoping it would just end so I could leave. I would only recommend this ride if there is no line and you really want to get out of the heat into a cool dark room, especially since you are misted with water a few times.  *please note that my embarrassing flash incident had nothing to do with my overall judgement of the show!*

After that we headed over to the Mummy’s revenge, which was pretty sweet albeit kind of forgettable, but maybe that’s because we visited the SIMPSONS LAND after. You walk through the MIB area to get from Mummy to Simpson’s and the MIB area is kind of funny (they play dated nostalgic music, like Boys to Men), but once I saw the Simpsons MIB completely dropped off my radar and I made a beeline right towards Springfield.

In retrospect, I do believe the Simpsons part was a very close second to Harry Potter Land in terms of my affections.

All I want in life is to have my favorite shows come to life, and I want to live in them. Even though the Simpsons isn’t my absolute favorite show it was still so fucking awesome to walk around the area and see certain parts of the show look real.  I was just so enamored with it all, and that’s just with the scenery; the ride is mother. fucking. spectacular.



The Simpsons ride is actually my favorite ride of both parks, I shit you not (but Harry Potter land trumps Simpsons land). The queue is kind of confusing, but once you get into the main room and are divvy’d up into one of 12 mini-queues you don’t really notice a wait because the story begins at that point. There are several screens all about the Simpsons themed room, and it sort of seems at first that you are just listening to the characters talk about semi-random stuff, but at the end you realize it’s a full story from the beginning to the end.  From the mini-lines you are taken into a smaller room, which occupies about 6-8 people, and once again there’s a screen in the room that continues the story line. You are then ushered into an even small room and sat in a “car” and once the ride fully begins the car moves through a garage door and you are all of a sudden underneath the largest fucking giant domed screen; you cant even see any of the other cars so it seems almost like you are the only ones there. The rest of the story and the ride are just absolutely amazing and I was laughing and smiling with my eyes glazed over like a fucking idiot. I can’t even remember a time I smiled so much.

The only con of this ride (and with all of the 3D rides except for the brand new Minion one) is that it’s semi-dated which means the effects aren’t as realistic as they could be. When you crash into something or land in water there’s no aftershock feel to it, and your brain gets a bit confused so it takes away from the realness of it.  Troy’s brain had enough of that confusion and he totally almost puked towards the end. My superior brain was just fine, but from that point forward we had to deal with a motion sickness obstacle (which turned out to be a total blessing in disguise… for ME).

After the ride we had to find a solution for Troy’s motion sickness so we headed back to MIB; I read in one article that the gift shop had Dramamine so we bought some of that, then headed to the MIB ride.  OMG the MIB ride was SOO effing dated.  It was like going through a weird carnie haunted house ride with really old hydraulic effects of aliens popping out on the sides.  It only beats out Shrek for first prize in the Least Awesome ride competition because it’s tied to the nostalgia of my childhood. I honestly cant believe the MIB area is still at the park. It’s a sad statement, but true; it seriously cant keep up with the newer rides since technology has become waaaay more advanced since it was built. I would probably not do that ride again on our next visit.

SO my main objective was not only to avoid lines but also to avoid water rides and kid rides; at that point we had ridden everything on my list, and spent the next hour just having a lookabout and eating at the Monster Cafe. We finished with the Terminator show, which was pretty entertaining, but again pretty dated.  We had planned to spend the whole first day at Universal but after 3 hours we had exhausted the whole park except for the Despicable Me Minion ride, but the line was so insane we moved the visit to day 2 when we had the express pass. With nothing left to do we decided to just check out IoA and get a better idea of how the plan would go down for Day 2.

Here’s the last of the Universal Studios random pics that were taken on Day 1:





1st sighting of Hogwarts from across the lake!!

1st sighting of Hogwarts from across the lake!!





Getting eaten? Or am I KARATE KICKING A SHARK

Getting eaten? Or am I KARATE KICKING A SHARK


first off, let me explain how lucky we were that I planned this whole shebang out. Apparently there were like, 4 different tourist/quinceanera groups roaming about, and while we were at Universal Studios they had all gotten their fill of IoA and appeared to be packing up.

Just walking up through the turnstiles you immediately realize you are in a whole different ballgame.  All the money clearly went into building IoA instead of repairing Universal Studios. It’s much MUCH more detailed and extravagant, and compared to IoA Universal looks like a run down movie lot (ok that’s a bit harsh..but it’s just for dramatics).   That being said, I will always go back to US when I get a chance as long as the Simpsons ride is still there. And the Minion ride.  And Transformers.

Anyhoo. We meandered around a bit into the Marvel land and eventually headed into the Wizarding world part. I was almost hesitant to go into Harry Potter land because it was something I had wanted since before it was even built, and for some reason I thought it would never happen. But LO AND BEHOLD:





It was just so beautiful I maybe could have even cried but I didn’t.  The crowd was triple what it was anywhere else, but that was ok. We just wanted to take a looksee, and didn’t even expect to go in or near Hogwarts.  Well GUESS WHAT! I was able to flex my awesomeness once again, and I asked one of the random wizard attendants about the Hogwarts tour. They pointed us to go into Hogwarts and said to mention it to one of the other attendants, so in we went amidst the frantic masses trying to put their shit up in the free lockers to get in line quicker than the other bitches. As I was walking towards the front of the line, a wizardy attendant barked at me to go put my bag in a locker (since the ride in hogwarts is a no-bag ride),  and I mentioned the Hogwarts tour. She unlocked a metal chain rope and said “ok, enter.”  I honestly hope to god we looked like celebrities getting special treatment because NO ONE ELSE WAS ON THE TOUR.  We walked up a special flight of stairs and into the Talking Portraits landing.  It was by far the most awesome experience ever mainly because no one else knew about it.  We were able to hang out and just stare and listen to all the amazing talking portraits seen HERE:

INSIDE portraits


i was just too enamored to even listen to what they were saying. Troy got a video (sorry I have to pay wordpress if I want to add video) but he heard it was the founding wizards talking about .. some stuff..  Anyhoo, after a good while we moved on and experienced a tour of the rest of the castle, which was sectioned off right in front of the motherfucking longest line of fans waiting to ride the Forbidden Journey.  I’m pretty sure everyone thought we were dirty cutters..



It was insanely dark and no one else had cameras because they aren’t allowed on the ride, but since I am awesome and knew about the tour we got a few. This pic is right smack in front of Dumbledore’s office, and if you are in the regular line for the ride you are about 20 feet further back. But we were right. there.

The tour misses a few parts that you don’t see if you are in the line for the ride, but you get to see everything else later when you eventually get in line to ride.  But that’s a different story for my next blog because there’s another secret that gets you past the hour long wait for Forbidden Journey!

After that we exited Hogsmead and checked out the rest of IoA at our leisure. The Dramamine made Troy sleepy, so I got to ride the Spiderman ride alone. It was really fun, and was very similar to the Transformers ride. Poor Troy got to wait outside and hold my bag : (    The hotel shuttle was making it’s first 4pm pickup so we decided to call it a day and head back to the hotel. Overall I got to ride every ride I planned and then some, and never waited in any sort of line except for the Simpsons which you kind of have to wait for to get the story.

After we got back and showered we used our rental car to pick up some local pizza and some sourpatch kids and electrolyte water at a Kroger, and spent the rest of the night watching Tosh.O.  It was the best ending to an amazing first day : )


Florida vacation DAY POINT FIVE (o.5).

We’ve finally consolidated our pictures from the Harry Potter vacation so HERE I AM!  Well, Ok so i’m only going to post one day at a time since so much shit happened, and I know attention spans are limited.

As most of you know, Troy planned a surprise vacation for my 30th birthday, which also happens to be on Valentine’s day (that’s right, the NATION celebrates my birthday!). It was going to be a total surprise until the day of our flight out, but in the end I started getting really freaked out about what I should pack, and eventually badgered him into telling me where we were going (it’s ok, I pretty much knew anyway).


I knew we were going because about a month ago Troy blew it and said “you.. are going … to FREAK. OUT.”   and there is only one place in the world I would ever freak out about visiting.   Paris?  No.  Hawaii? No.  The moon? Ok maybe, but no. Harry Potter Land???? YES.  And it turns out there are 2 parks located at Harry Potter land (Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure), but that was besides the point.  It’s all Harry Potter land to me.

SO, I was able to meticulously plan for a whole week, and finally the day of our flight came.  Mind you, I don’t really go on legit vacations. Ever. 2 nights away on the weekend, at most.  A visit to the beach for one day here, a night in San Antonio (what? why?) there.  I don’t think I’ve even been away from Texas more than 5-6 times in my life, total.  So to go on a 5 day vacation in another state is just insane to me. Not to mention a vacation where I could do what I want, when I want? Fuck yes!

We had our amazing lovely friend Chris drive us to the airport on Wednesday around 4pm. I wish we could have someone drive us around all the time; it was super amazing not to have to worry about shit like parking garages. Plus you can’t argue in front of company, so everything’s a bit more cheerful.

Getting in to the airport and past security was a breeze, and I didn’t even get athlete’s foot from standing barefooted in the body xray scanner!

I treated Troy and myself to a mocha and a chocolate almond croissant as well as a turkey wrap that looked like it had been made by a 9 year old fat kid, all of this for the low low price of TWENTY THREE FUCKING DOLLARS. It was a great birthday treat, however, since I don’t normally eat chocolate croissants and shit.

The flight was a total breeze and during the 3 hours I was able read half of the first Harry Potter book that Kelly lent me. You see, Kelly is a crazy bitch who got all jealous that I was going to Harry Potter land before she did, because she fancies herself a bigger fan than I am just because she’s read the books and I haven’t. So I forced her to let me borrow the first book and swore I’d read it before we touched down on Florida soil.  WELL, I only got through half because Troy thought Jet Blue had wifi; he didn’t bring a book because he was going to watch Netflix on his iPad, and it turns out they DONT have wifi so he kept talking to me the whole 3hr flight.

The book is pretty neat, though. The first movie is almost word for word with the first book, and reading it is pretty much just playing the movie out in your head really slowly, which I am all for.

We got to Orlando around 9pm and by the time we were done with baggage claim and rental car shit it was past 10pm. We decided to get dinner before checking in at the hotel, but didn’t know where to go.  My FB buddy, Sabrina, messaged me earlier that week and said I MUST go to Cafe Tu Tu Tango while we were in FL, so we googled it and woo hoo! It was right next to our hotel.

We get there and are seated immediately since it’s late on a Wednesday night.  This place.. is.. amazing.  It belongs in Austin.  It’s an artist themed tapas bar and we could not be more in love with the place


glitter on the booths!

The backs of the booths we were sitting on are striped and glittery, and the wall above was lined with Warhol-esque soup cans. They had a section for a guest painter to come in and paint shit. WHy? I donno! But they have it!  They also have this sweet David Bowie album art:


I confess, I asked if it was Liz Taylor,  at  first.. :/

And they also have chandeliers and shit, and the whole place is so awesome you could dress up all fancy, or dress normal and either way you fit right in!

And the food! Ohhhmygod. We tried the alligator bites first, which were CRAZY awesome. I’ve only had alligator once before and it was tough as fucking shoe leather, but this was like eating McDonald’s chicken nuggets but shut yo mouth dont ever compare this place to McDonalds how dare you!



Those right there are pork belly Reuben sliders. How fucking adorable are those!  AND they came with bacon infused fingerling potato salad!!  Hot damn I will be going back to Florida just to come here again for this!


Yucca fries!!!

and THEN we had Cuban sliders with yucca fries which was the best thing ever. They came with some fancy sauce, but the fries were insane all by themselves. They were like puffy little fried strips of cloud, I tell you!


Troy’s favorite painting displayed in the restaurant

We dont have a picture of the chocolate banana bread pudding with salted caramel gelato, but that’s because it was too much to handle and take a picture at the same time. It was incredible. By the end of the meal Troy and I were both making plans for when to come back. I wanted to come back for my birthday, but our waitress said they were booked solid, since it’s Valentine’s day and all.   When we left we asked the hostess about reservations again, and as she was telling us No DIce, a manager dude came up to us to ask us how our meal was. We explained the situation and he again confirmed that they were incredibly booked, but told us to call up that day and ask for Troy (woah!! HIS name was Troy, too!) and he would see what he could do.


We finally set off to check in to the hotel, which I was very hesitant about. See, now that i’m 30, I’ve become ridiculous at researching and planning everything. I read every review I could about our hotel (Avanti resort) and let me tell you.. the reviews ain’t pretty. The photos look really awesome on their webiste, but literally almost every review was like “DO NOT BE FOOLED BY THE PHOTOS!”  There are so many horror stories and complaints about how dirty the laminate floors were (they use faux wood floors to keep allergies down, so they say) and just general horror stories about crappy service and ugly rooms.

We got to our room and hot damn! It was not shabby, at all!


Yes, I do this 100% of the time

Are you shitting me? for $45 a night?  It was like, the best deal I’d ever seen! AND free shuttles to and from Universal!

 I think this is the link to my yelp review?  You should read it, it’s kind of funny…

Anyhoo! That’s day one :) Everything was perfect, which is just fucking nuts because some sort of shit always goes down when major life events are happening.  OH JUST YOU WAIT.

The Bad Foot

It was a mistype, you see?

“I promise to write 90 blogs in 90 days” was really supposed to say “I promise not to write 90 blogs in 90 days.”   duUUUuuh.   It’s not me, it’s you.  Just remember that.

Did we last leave off with my bum ankle? What was that, like in December? OH well ok see, after running 5 miles average every day my left ankle just kind of told me he’d had it and packed up and left.  Now my ankle is a broken home.   It started out feeling like a bone was sticking straight through the bottom of my foot. I tried to push past it and continued running, and even got another pair of new shoes. Then the pain increased (which is WHY I NEVER “PUSH THROUGH IT”)  and  moved to the far left outer side; each week the pain moved up a bit until it decided to take firm root in my ankle, right around the sexy ankle bone that sticks out, and kind of above it, too.

I’ve been running sporadically a few times a week, heating then icing it, tiger balm-ing it, and bought some goddamn expensive compression socks because I felt like that was the next step.  I took a whole month off of running, even. No dice!  Macaulay just does not want to heal (I named my left foot Macaulay and my good right foot Elijah). I don’t know what’s going on, but it’s like the universe really doesn’t want me to run.


1. A few weekends ago Troy and I went to an adult play land/obstacle course type thing as a cheap date.  We were standing on 2 halves of a stability ball, preparing to knock each other off with giant q-tips when Troy fell off, catapulting his half disc straight up right into my bad ankle. It was the closest I have come to crying in public since my former shitty boss at my first ever shitty office job gave me a lateral demotion during a review.  It hurt real real bad, is what I’m trying to say. If I’m ever crying in public, it’s because I’m either in some intense unbearable pain, or I’m being forced to give some sort of speech.

2. A few days ago Troy attempted to give me a foot massage while we were watching TV; he tried to pull me closer by accidentally grabbing my bum ankle with a crunching Hulk-like grip, causing me to scream in pain and whimper like a little bitch as I scoot-retreated over to my side of the couch. No foot massage was had, and no running for me the next day.

3. Then this morning Troy really wanted to show me how he used peroxide to dissolve some blood stains on the carpet, but I was busy perusing Imgur (plus I had already used a natural essential-oil based spot remover on the blood and I didn’t care about peroxide) so he picked me up from the computer room office chair to carry me into the hallway in order to “show me,” but misjudged the width of the door frame and bashed my bad ankle trying to get through.  Once again, howling and clutching said bad ankle ensued and my afternoon run plans have been canceled.

Wait a minute, I’m noticing a pattern here.  I don’t think it’s the Universe that doesn’t want me to run; I’m fairly sure it’s just Troy.

Anyhoo. Let’s change the subject. Here’s an recap of what’s happened since you last laid eyes on my blog:

Christmas was actually really awesome. Troy and I had a Harry Potter marathon and at one point bought out all of HEB’s Christmas candy that was on sale in order to recreate a Hogwarts Express candy trolley


Wizards don’t get diabeetus, Harry

We couldn’t find the Harry Potter Jelly beans so instead I’d grab 3-4 random flavors and make Troy eat them to see how gross they tasted. I became increasingly frustrated because he would never admit any of it was gross, so I started intentionally picking out the bad flavors. He didn’t even flinch when I combined black licorice, buttered popcorn, and pear.  It was infuriating.

Anyhoo, that was fun.  Christmas was fun, in general.

Angie visited for a few days. We spent a half a day wondering around Town Lake, trying to find a bathroom because Angie didn’t pee before we left.  It was a good visit overall, but as it was the first visit since I quit drinking I’m afraid it was fairly dull. That’s the price you have to pay when I’m sober. A BORING ass time!

I watched quite a few movies:

Hunger Games – Catching Fire. SO awesome.
Wolf of Wall Street – ohmygod WAY awesome.
American Hustle – ok, yes awesome. And if you ever want to know what it feels like to date me just pay attention to Jennifer Lawrence’s character.  This is not bragging in the slightest; in fact, I was cringing while watching the movie. When she goes off on the rant about the microwave and why doesn’t he have it gold plated and wear it on a chain around his neck, Troy and I looked at each other wide-eyed because we both knew that was me up on the screen.  It was really painful to watch, and we got a pretty good laugh off of it.

One lesser known movie I must recommend is Take this Waltz. This movie is incredibly gut wrenching and beautiful and depressing and just fascinating to me. I have developed the weirdest crush on Michelle Williams, and once you get past the weird baby talk between her and Seth Rogan, this movie is just amazing.  I’ve never had a movie make me feel warm and fuzzy, and then slap my face with a cold bucket of water a split second later.  Also, during a party scene there’s an amazing cover of Leonard Cohen’s “Closing Time” done by Feist, which can only be found on the movie’s soundtrack. Also, Sarah Silverman plays a relatively serious part as a recovering alcoholic. Also, I don’t actually mind Seth Rogan in this movie. Also, I just cannot say enough good things about this movie.

We just watched Ender’s Game last night, which ended up being a lot better than I thought it would be. Ok, I actually went into it without knowing anything about the movie, and just based off the name expected it to be some sort of a football movie..  so there was no where to go but up.  BUT. It was surprisingly neat.

What else…. OH.  GUESS WHO’S BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP??  Me. Mine. That’s who.  The big 3 – 0.  But to be honest with you, I’ve  been telling people I’m 30 for the past 2 years because I didn’t want it to be any kind of huge shock when the day finally rolled around.

I own compression socks, and I’m turning 30.  Being a grown up finally hit me the other day, not because of the compression socks or the inevitable exit of my 20’s, but because I just found out my tax return will be a considerable amount and my first thought was “YES! I can pay off half of the rest of my student loans!!!”   And to make it even worse I later decided to use half of  my return to pay off a large part of my loans, then take the rest and start up another savings account :/   lame. lamelamelame.

BUT. On the bright side Troy is taking us on a surprise vacation for my nationally celebrated birthday!  He has managed to keep it a complete surprise for over a month, and every time he exclaims how exciting it’s going to be I make him cough up a hint. So far I know we’re going on a plane trip, and it is a  direct flight, and also I’m going to “freak out.”

I guess that’s enough for now. No more promises for a while.

I quit running an hour ago but my back is still sweating

It’s making my body and my shirt cold. Gross.

5 miles in 55 minutes beeeeiiiaeieeiatch!  I did 5.25 until the treadmill shut itself down cos it was all, “no, no please massa no MO!” and I was like, “THAT’S WHAT YOU GET for making me manually speed up and slow down!”  Mk, see that’s one thing I like better about my work gym treadmill vs the planet ghetto fitness treadmill   –  work gym treadmill has like, 5 buttons you can push to speed up to a certain speed (3,6,7 and.. lets say 8 then 9 I don’t know I don’t use those last 2 buttons).   PGFitness does not have such a thing that I”m aware of but it’s entirely possible that the treadmill is capable of this because I haven’t really taken the time out to actually look at the display. I know you can select certain work outs, but I’m not willing to give up control.

I think my goal for next month is going to be just running for a full hour, straight. No walking.  I don’t know why I’m making this a goal, like, why the fuck is this even a goal, i have no idea. I just like running.

But my foot feels pretty much mostly fine! I only felt a very slight pain, but nothing that would make me miss my 5 mile goal. Aaaaand now my knees are giving me crap.  I KNOW, body! I KNOW i’m too fat to be doing this to you, just bear with me for another few weeks and the load should be a bit more bearable.  That’s right. Weeks.  You may not know this about me, but my body reacts insanely well to any sort of fitness. Ok, well only my lower half does. My upper half clings to it’s insulation like nobody’s business.  Working out with any mild intensity usually turns me from an hourglass shape into a straight up apple, which sucks because I’ve read several sentences that say apple shapes are generally more susceptible to all kinds of cancers, diseases, strokes, and just general ugliness and sloppiness at home I don’t remember where i read this but I read it once and that’s all that matters.  I just can’t win is my point.

I cannot promise that I will be writing this weekend. I have THINGS scheduled, and that is a total 180 difference from my usual weekend routine, and the panic has already set in.

I was going to write something nice about someone, but I just realized I need to get dinner started.



Better late than.. some time later

Today was mildly uneventful so I’ll just make this one quick and painful. I was able to run today at Work Gym but after a mile my foot started giving me lip so I jumped off and did the elliptical for a minute. After a full minute of mind numbing boredom I hopped off and decided to get back on the treadmill.  Bam.  Another mile down.  Foot pain crept up at mile 2. Did a minute of elliptical and foot felt ok.  Bam another mile thrown down.. and another and ANOTHER AND ANOTHER.  Oh wait, jk, I only did 3.05 miles total sorry I got caught up in my awesome Rocky-esque story.  Around mile two, Skinny Blonde Ponytail-Bobber girl came in; maybe it’s because she lost her pep because she has S.A.D, or maybe she read this blog somehow and found out I hate her Cheerleader gait, but she didn’t seem near as annoying today. When I asked her if it was ok to leave the TV on she responded it was fine, and I imagined us striking up a conversation, sharing injury stories, and becoming besties forever, but then my pony tail holder flew out of my hair and bounced off the treadmill belt and onto the floor and I forgot about our budding possible bffdom…   Maybe one day, blonde bobby hair girl.     But probably not.