Anyone want a sxsw wrist band?

If this is the first time I have lied to you to get your attention, I’m sorry. If this isn’t your first time, I’m sure you’re used to it by now, and we can move on.

Who am I kidding, no one’s going to read this. It’s friday during sxsw, and everyone is downtown partying their faces off, while I’m sitting here eating a ham and swiss sandwich, listening to GoT S3E3, and Cuey is chilling in my dirty clothes basket.

Fuckin’ weird-ass little shit. 

But now that you’re here you can read about my Vegas trip! Oh man, so fun. Such winning. Especially on this little guy right here.

My love. 

This was my first time in Vegas, and I quickly learned that you have to hunt for your money makin’ machine. While there are a shit ton of Wheel of Fortune machines in every casino, this sort in particular was rare. In fact, I think I only saw it at the airport, and in the Bellagio, pictured above. You gotta get the fancy “new school” one with the 2 rows of buttons. Not the “old school” one with just a normal looking slot machine where you try to get 3 matching signs and the lever pully thing, but this one with the fancy 5×3 rows. Not the new school one with 2 buttons, but the new school one with 2 rows of 8 buttons!! You see, it’s very particular, and I spent the majority of my time losing on lesser slot machines, till I hit big a few times on this sucker. Ended up putting $100 in the slot machines, and got around $500 back with this baby! Let me tell you.. as an addict, this is THE BEST HIGH EVER. Probably not the best place for an addict to go, but I’m good. I’m fine. I promise.  *frantically googles for wheel of fortune slot machine app*

But this was a super awesome trip, aside from the money makin’. Mad props go to this handsome wildling leader, Kody:

(the one on the right)

We are not a selfie-taking folk (at least I’m not), so that’s the best, and probably only, picture of us you will ever see. That picture was taken at the Absinthe show, which was aaaaaaaaaaawesome. He had scheduled 3 shows in 3 nights, all of which were amazing, and super cool.  First night was Absinthe, 2nd night Zumanity, 3rd night was O.

Russian dudes at Absinthe

“ay yay yay”

Look at those mad awesome seats at O!! Right up 3 rows from the front, but just out of the splash zone. I highly recommend O if you get a chance.

And the FOOOD! We had cheese curds and a Vampire taco (charizo and pork belly in a taco coated in cheese) at Yard House

Vampire taco -tsss!

I even had an Australian man take a picture of my taco and tell me I was inconsiderate for wanting to eat it before he could show his friends (jokingly).

It’s no secret I mainly wanted to go to Vegas for the buffets. We got to try Wicked Spoon at the Cosmopolitan, which was impressive:

I miss you, food. 

freakin’ crawfish risotto, vanilla infused beet salad, some fancy mushroom corn shit, bone marrow,  smoked salmon.

and GLITTER in the DESSERTS!!

In addition to all that, we got to visit all the casinos, attend a hilarious timeshare presentation, I learned black jack with the side bet thingies, and we both walked away with more money than we came with:)

The Flamingo was all pink!

Such a good time, and I miss it all, already.

 

 

It had to be bought

I just got back from the gym so please forgive the erratic-ness of my post; that’s right, hot Saturday night date with me n’ the treadmill.  I pushed myself so hard on my run I almost puked, so things are a bit loopy right now. I’m going to make a “fruit of the oven” joke later that probably isn’t funny, but for some reason I think is hilarious right now.

LOOK AT WHAT I JUST GOT AFTER GYM TIME.

pterrys.JPG

Black to match my heart. 

So today has been quite the day. I bought a massive amount of pre-cut fruit from Whole Devil Worship Foods in an effort to be healthy at least one day during this Godforsaken month.

fruit.JPG

Fruit of the oven. 

Having subsisted off a diet of pure sugar and carbs this past 26 days, my body and butthole are seriously not used to this amount of fiber, so I’ve pretty much stayed indoors all day.

It’s been great to stay indoors most of this beautiful day, downloading the shit out of heartbreakingly romantic movies.  I did step out for a bit in order to buy the fruit, but also just a bit ago to go run 3 miles at Planet Ghetto Fitness. I’m not going to treat that as an accomplishment, though, since the only reason I went was for a bribe so I could get PTerry’s for dinner. The rat got the cheese.

Moving on. I don’t know how I’ve managed 32 years without learning how to not put clothes on inside out. I’m not sure what the fuck is wrong with me, but I always end up putting my underwear or shirts on inside out, and then when I take them off to flip it around and put it back on it’s STILL inside out. Tonight was a tad different in that later on I found out my running pants were on backwards. No wonder why my gut was a bit more pronounced…

But as of last week I don’t feel so bad about this clothing disability I seem to posess. Last Thursday I was on the treadmill in the back row of the gym with a 90 year old man to my right hoofing it on his own treadmill, and this really skinny fit broad gets on a treadmill on the row in front of us. Something caught my eye, so I looked over and, to my incredulity, she had her shorts sagging down a bit too low, and her shirt was scrunched up above her waist. Right above her shorts line peeked out some giant ass purple granny panties; her shorts were so low you could see the leg holes and everything. My first thought was, OH GOD I WONDER HOW MANY TIMES THAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME, but then I seriously debated on whether or not it was my duty towards the street rules of sisterhood to go and tell her.

But then I said fuck it, nah. Me and the old dude will always have this secret, knowing the hot girl had her granny panties out and about flapping in the wind. Eventually as she ran her shirt fell down and covered her ass, and the old man’s breath returned to a semi-normal rhythm for being on a treadmill. I felt bad I didn’t say anything, but it was nice to know those things happen to people who aren’t me.

Anyhoo, back to my emo movies. I’ve downloaded a shit ton of amazing movies that will hopefully make me break down into tears because I really feel like I need a good cry, and the only times I can cry is if I’m in front of someone else and I’m trying really hard NOT to cry (such as during a presentation in front of a class), and Cuey doesn’t give a shit if I cry, so I have to rely on alternative means.

Currently I’m watching Before Midnight, which isn’t weepy, but so far so good. It appears to be about a couple who visits Italy (probably Italy, I dont feel like googling where they really are), and how they interact and talk about their relationship. It sounds boring as shit now that I’m typing this out, but I like it so far, and the beautiful scenery and mood reminds me of my childhood summers, which is nice.

Then it’s on to 500 Days of Summer EVEN THOUGH it’s got Zoey Davechapelle in it, then Bright Star, which looks absolutely amazing, then Mary and Max even though it’s not a romantic movie, but I do remember watching it forever ago and bawling my eyes out. If you have any lesser known boohooey type romance movies you can recommend feel free to share with me!

 

Oh, I’m 32 Years Young…Frankenstein.

The fan idea definitely did not work.

jr c

Motherfuckingcocksucker.

In fact, it just made her howl louder, and the next day she puked on my sheets as a means of revenge while I was watching Deadpool. Not just one sheet. All of them. The comforter, the top sheet, and the fitted sheet. She dragged her puke across my scrunched up sheets that were piled on the far corner of the bed.

 

jr cat

 

SO, I think Cuey’s going to take a little vacation to Uncle Troy’s house for a week or so pretty soon, here. Give me a bit of a break to finally sleep more than 3 hours in a row, and maybe have Auntie Kiah and Auntie Kjelsi teach her some manners.

On to the next. This entries theme is going to be all about things I learned about myself this past year. As all 2 of you readers know, I turned 32 this past Valentine’s day, and I’ve been doing a bit of self reflection, usually while I’m in the shower because what else am I going to think about when I stand there, completely still for 30 minutes?

Things are definitely a-changin’. My uterus is getting more and more mad that I’m not putting a baby in it (fuck you, uterus, it ain’t happenin!), my heart is getting more and more crusty because I haven’t found a life partner, and the cellulite is becoming more pronounced after eating probably 104 hamburgers from Pterry’s over the this past year.

So I did what any normal chick in her mid-30’s would do. Picked up running again and bought some IPL treatments from a fancy spa down the road. Anyhoo. This blog is less picture-ific than usual (post edit: I guess I lied), so instead I’ll wow you with a LIST:

Things that have dramatically changed for me this past year:

  1.  Most dramatic and important change – Watching Parks and Rec over again last week (season 3 is my favorite), I realized I am super attracted to Jean-Ralphio. Not the actor.. the actual character. Previously I found him absolutely repulsive and a ridiculous portrayal of a human being. Now I find him quite charming and adorable, and would lock that shit down so fast.

    jr

    Smart. 

  2. Which maybe ties into this next one: I am not a cat person any more. This is super freaky. I mean, I AM the stereotypical cat spinster lady. I identify as that. During job interviews when they ask “tell me a little about yourself” I always lead off with “well.. I’m totally a cat lady, I love Harry Potter, and.. ”  But this is weird, and it makes me feel like my whole life has been a complete sham. When I think deeper into it,   I don’t think I’m a cat OR a dog person. or  maybe I’m both? No, I think i’m a raccoon person now. I fucking love raccoons.

    Trash Panda says “I do!”

  3. I dont feel like I’m 20 anymore,  and I dont think that’s a bad thing. I’m sure when I’m 40 I’ll look back on this and think, YOU FUCKING IDIOT WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?  jk. I’ll never be 40. But for real. I’m a late bloomer. I didn’t get my chachas till I was about 20. I spent all of 25-31 feeling like I had just turned 22, and kind of feeling like I never fit in anywhere. I’m not sure if this is because I didn’t hit puberty till way late, or maybe it’s because I spent 6 years of my 20’s black out drunk, but it’s kind of nice to finally feel my age.
  4. I decided I definitely would like to get married at some point. To another person. Just to be clear. I dont know why I feel like I should clarify these things. But I had spent quite a while of my late 20’s leaning towards never marrying, and had accepted a life of solitude, and then tried accepting a life of having 5 boyfriends, instead, and that was super awesome until it wasn’t awesome. And after all that waffling back and forth, it’s finally been cemented down that I totally do want to own someone, and likewise be some dude’s wifey. I figure, hell. I’m not going to experience all these huge milestones in life that all my friends do; might as well just try one of them.
  5. BUT: I aint getting married just because I decided I’m open to getting married. I’d rather be single and relentlessly search for a “soul mate” than marry the first chump that comes along. Which means I’ll die alone, basically. I am fully aware that, while I want to eventually get married, doesn’t mean it’ll happen. That’s ok.
    -I’m sure there’s more, but my feet have lost feeling from sitting crosslegged on the floor while typing this –

Never have I ever wanted to punch a cat in the face so bad

cue

Seriously. Fuck this ho. I don’t know what Cuey’s beef is, but the past 2 months she has been non-stop meowing all fucking night, causing me to shout, curse, then eventually get up 3-4 times a night to put more food in her fucking bowl. This is not how it should be. I should not be waking up for nightly feedings. I chose to be childless for a reason! This is so fucked up.

And YES. I have tried it all. I have tried ignoring her, but as we all know by now, cats have evolved their vocal chords to mimic that of a baby’s cry, and the sound grates on my brain. Once again, this is fucked up, as I do not ever wish to have kids, and here I am, being woken up by a fucking baby.

I have tried spraying her with water each and every time she meows, as a vet tech person once recommended.. but this does not phase Cuey. In fact, she staunchly sits there and takes it with a look on her face like, WE SHALL OVERRRRCOME!

I’m seriously thinking about giving her away. For a week or so. I just need more than 3 hours of sleep > : (

So today I went out and bought a box fan, which I will post up in my bedroom doorway, and will turn on full blast when I go to bed in hopes that the windforce will freak her out into silence, or at least drown out her howling. Maybe it will also drown out the sound of the fucking dump truck that spends a half hour banging on the dumpster and throwing glass bottles around at 3 am. each. morning.  Why does everyone want me to murder them?

Right, so I tried to take a nap after work today, but Cuey wouldn’t let me, so I went to Lowes super pissed to buy a box fan. I had to put jeans on to appear semi-decent at Lowes, and got even more pissed that I now have a gut hanging out the front. What the fuck. So I came home with my box fan, put on my work out clothes, got my spiffy new bluetooth mp3 player and headphones (the kind that clean out your ears!), and stomped off to the gym for the first time in half a year. Angrily jogged 2 miles, and came home to eat a can of smoked oysters because in my weird 6 month funk I haven’t really been grocery shopping. I think this may be my new favorite dinner/meal. Have you ever had chili soaked oysters? Fucking fantastic.

But yeah. I was inspired to run, all because of my goddamn cat who made me put on pants to buy a box fan. I call this a successful day. The end.

BECAUSE I HAVE THE BEST FRIENDS IN THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD

It’s true, I’m 31 now. I don’t know how I got to this point, and I’m not sure I like being here with 1/3rd of my life over. But here I sit on throw pillows in my apartment, eating lemon drops, and jamming out to Charli XCX like I’m 13.  I think I have age dyslexia.

Anyhoo, I’ve noticed that one of the cool things about getting older is actually appreciating all the shit ya got.  I’ve had a few circumstances in my life where I kind of sit back and go “shit man.. I have some goddamn fucking awesome friends. And I dont even know why they like me, but even if it’s out of pity, I lucked the motherfuckignshit out.”   And one of those times was this past weekend on my birthday extravagannnzaaaa.

As all 3 of you readers know, I kind of go crazy on my birthday and celebrate for a whole week.. or two.. and this birthday was to be a big’un. Over the course of the first half of 2014 I had planned a mega trip to Universal Studios to celebrate the big 13, I mean 31.  WELL. Those painstaking, amazing plans were thrown in the garbage, and I have cried many a time since about it since.  I still kept the week off work, and decided to wallow in my misery those 9 days.. I actually did wallow in misery for most of my vacation, but that was because my body decided to hadouken the shit out of my uterus, and I had to deal with my lady time for the majority of my staycation, but what I’m trying to say is that I didn’t have the chance to wallow in misery about the loss of my carefully planned Universal vacation, because of the surprise bday party my supermotherfuckignawesome friends put together!

My girly night lady friends came over Friday night and surprised me by setting up a balls-out amazing pinterest-esque Harry Potter birthday, and it was the best thing EVER.

COMMENCE PICTURES: 

FLOATING CANDLES

FLOATING CANDLES

HAHAHA OWL BALLOONS

HAHAHA OWL BALLOONS

OMG butterbeer cupcakes and chocolate frogs!

OMG butterbeer cupcakes and chocolate frogs!

WTF cheese broomsticks how CUTE IS THIS?

WTF cheese broomsticks how CUTE IS THIS?

That bean dip was the shit.

eeeeeeee

eeeeeeee

Dude, Amy even made wands out of superglue and.. sticks. HA!

Fairly sure this is sacrilegious..

Fairly sure this is sacrilegious..

Aaaahahaha

Aaaahahaha

WE EVEN GOT SCARVES

Wizard ladies of the night: Amy, Casey, Andrea, Teri   **

Of course I had a Slytherin scarf. And I also got a legit Draco Malfoy wand!

Hell yeah I'm riding a vacuum. I'm a modern wizard

Hell yeah I’m riding a vacuum. I’m a modern wizard

We had a good ole time hanging out, eating lots of shit, and talking about the dirty things girls talk about when they hang out. Well, girls who hang out around me, anyway. ** Honorable mention goes to Kara and Troy for doing recon work **

The next day (my actual birthday day) my family took me out to breakfast at the Hyatt downtown, cos we’re fancy bitches like that, and I was gifted some awesome toy skulls from diablotexas.com after we trekked down to Congress to see his art stand in front of that one Mexican art museum. The morning was really fun, even with Audrey trying to walk downtown in high heels for an hour. No one got whistled at, which was disappointing, but we all had a great time (I think).

Later that night my 2 besties Andrea and Kara took me to Fork n Vine, and that was some hilarious times as well. They sat the 3 of us at a 6 top giant round table, and after Kara and I expressed our displeasure at not being sat at a booth, we had a shit ton of people falling over themselves to make us happy to the point where it was a bit of overkill, but whatever, fuck all the couples there IT’S MY BIRTHDAY. Either way, we ate a metric crap load of food, and it was all fantastic. Here’s a pic of Andrea swirling her Perrier to open up the fine body and light crisp notes of no-taste.

yes, quite.

yes, quite.

Um.. we didn’t really get any other pics because I always forget to do that sort of thing, but we had a great time hanging out till the wee hours of the morning.

SO yeah! Awesome times, great way to start my 31st year of life and all that jazz. I also ended up getting a 90 minute deep tissue massage that was so tortuously painful and wonderful I’m pretty sure I paid for a S&M session without realizing it. I rounded out the vacation with yet another massage (only 60 minutes this time) where the table vibrated the whole time.. I swear one day I’m going to write a blog on all my weird ass massage experiences… but that blog is not today’s blog.

Also, thanks to everyone who wished me happy birthday on FB! Not sure if any of yall read this, or read this far down, but THERE YOU GO.

Sooo.. things have changed

Hi there. Enough about me. Watcha thinkin’ about?

So lots of things have happened in the past year. I feel like this update should be dedicated to explaining the split up of Troy and me, like we’re Beyonce and JayZ publicly announcing a split, but part of me just wants to brush over it and talk about my favorite Movies of 2014.

TL; DP (too long didn’t post) Troy and I amicably ended our 3 year stint together about 5 months ago. I moved out and am now on a 1 week staycation where I should have been in FL having the best harry potter time of my life for my 31st birthday, but instead am sitting on my ass stuffing my face with popcorn and crying while I monitor the Universal Studios App. Ha ha.. not really. That only happened once. Mostly I just cry while watching the movies.

But yes, mommy and daddy have split up. We still love you both, though, and will try extra hard to win your affection with presents and no curfews! Is that a thing? Do kids still have curfews these days?  I feel like once you give your 3 year old an iPhone all rules and authority go out the window…

Anyhoo! Here are my all time favorite movies I watched during 2014 (not to be confused with reviews of movies that came out in 2014..) (also, after saving the images I realized that all these movies contain a shit ton of nudity. If that gets your panties in a wad don’t watch ANY  of these. My words don’t contain nudity, so you’re ok to keep reading):

4. Nymphomaniac Vol 1 and 2:

NM

Honestly, there weren’t too many images I could find to post on this public blog.. but this movie was absolutely incredible, beautiful, and fascinating.  Even the intro just blew my socks off (you can never go wrong with Rammstein, in my opinion).

Yes, it’s about a nymphomaniac,  and it’s long as hell, but I could have watched Vol 3-10 if they had been made. Vol 1 gets you familiar with the protagonist, and some crazy as shit stuff she goes through, whereas Vol 2 is the girl grown up played by Charlotte Gainsbourg. I’ve only seen this actress in a few fluffy movies, so it was kind of disconcerting to see her in this sort of role, but I am crazy about her to pieces.  Also Shia LaBeouf and Uma Thurman are in this movie (wtf?) and shit man, this movie is crazy. Definitely not for the faint of heart…

Weirdly enough it was written and directed by the same dude who did Melancholia (Lars Von Trier), which I totally fucking hated, so.. alright then.

#3.  Take this Waltz

ttw2

OMG OMG OMG. This movie just broke my heart into a million pieces. I am forever in love with Michelle Williams. Once again, another visually stimulating movie with beautiful colors and emotion and…

Seth Rogen WTF??

Seth Rogen WTF??

YEAH. Seth Rogen, are you shitting me? I haven’t cared for him since his 40 Year Old Virgin days, and it was pretty nice to see him in a romantic drama where I actually sorta feel bad for him, and not in the normal “aw, you have a JewFro” kind of way.

The synopsis is that she and Seth are married and disgustingly in love, but there are a few things missing in the relationship. She forms a bond with a super hot dude she met on vacation, and ultimately has to decide whether or not to leave her sweet, boring husband to run off with something new and shiny. The ending was kind of lost on me since I’m not sure how she felt about her decisions, but that’s kind of neat because I feel like you can draw your own conclusions about a situation that I feel a lot of people cross during their lifetime.

ttw1

Also Sarah Silverman is fantastic, and there’s a screen involving blue pool dye that is fucking hilarious. You get to see both of them completely nude if that’s your thing, but it comes with a price of seeing quite a few other.. older.. women nude.

I watched this movie during a pretty heartwrenching time in my life, and this movie just tore what was left to pieces and then stomped all over it, but in a good way.  I recently watched it again to make sure that my love for this movie wasn’t just an emotional connection, and I loved it much more the 2nd time around.  I will buy this movie one day, that’s how much I love it.

#2 Under the Skin

Uts

This movie.. holy shit. HOLY SHIT, MAN. Just trying to find images to put up here.. I felt SO sick thinking about this movie. It is by far one of the most amazing movies I have ever seen.. and the symbolism! FUCK GRAVITY and fuck all the awards it won and fuck everyone who ever said that movie was good.. Gravity is total garbage with shitty overt symbolism compared to Under the Skin.

I was immediately connected with this movie once it began, and just felt every single fucking part of it, and couldn’t get the screen close enough to my face.  It’s incredible to feel that way about a movie when you’re not even fucked up on anything.

Basic gist is that Scarlett is part of a group of aliens that comes to earth specifically to collect humans for.. a reason. I mean, just that part right there.. unless I totally missed it I don’t even think you find out what they use the humans for!  You see Scarlett driving around trying to seduce men into her van and I DON’T EVEN WANT TO GIVE ANY MORE AWAY.

I guess the British never learned to not get into a white van

I guess the British never learned to not get into a white van

And ohhhmygod it has one of the most intense scenes EVER of a dude trying to save a drowning couple, and I just wanted to vomit the whole time. And the fucking soundtrack! It fucking pierces your brain and punches you in the stomach each time she goes out hunting for another human. AGH I need to watch this movie again NOW!  Quite a bit of the movie is watching Scarlett observing humans, so if you don’t like long drawn out visually stunning scenes then this ain’t for you, toots. It’s just crazy how this movie was so silent, yet so loud and chilling at the same time.  And then there’s all this crazy symbolism about human life in general and it’s A CRAZY FUCKING MOVIE, MAN.  Afterwards I wanted to read as much as I could about it, and found out some really interesting shit. You should do that, too.  If.. if you watch it. I can see how this movie isn’t for everyone. ESPECIALLY THE PART ABOUT THE BABY OMG SORRY I HAD TO SAY IT.

#1. Vamp U

And now for something completely different. Like, all those other movies were just intense, and then Vamp U hahah what? This looks like a shitty joke of a movie, and don’t get me wrong it kind of is. But it was SO much funnier than I expected. Something I learned from Sorority Boys and Dirty Love, never judge a movie by it’s skanky cover.

yep.

yep.

The only reason I watched this movie was because I needed something on for background noise while I played 2 Dots on my phone. I watched the trailer on hulu and something sparked my interest, I dont remember what, but I’M SO GLAD I WAS BORED THAT DAY.

Because I’m basically in love with Adam Johnson now:

vu

Side note, I feel like this movie got the teeth down right…

It’s terribly low budget (I think the director screwed all his kikstarter donors over, haha), and the dialogue is really off at times…  but I laughed so hard a few times I almost peed my pants.  It seriously reminds me of a movie I would have made, had I gone to a decent college and also had I been motivated in driven while attending said imaginary college.

Breakdown is that Adam plays a really old vampire named Wayne Gretsky (HAHAHA why? I dont know!) who accidentally murders the love of his life, and as a result cannot grow his fangs anymore. Present day finds him as a professor of history at a college, and he takes up with a girl who reminds him of his dead love.   The movie is all over the fucking place, but I love it to pieces, and will also buy this movie somehow. Gary Cole is also in it, if you’re into him.  It has a 22% on Rotten Tomatoes, but Gravity has 98%, so we all know we can’t trust the masses.

I honestly think that people expected this movie to be a super campy parody of vampire movies with lots of gratuitous nudity, or something. It’s not really, it’s just a fucking story with bad writing and hilarious actors.  The only thing is that you have to kind of pay attention to what’s going on. After the first 15 minutes I put my phone down and paid full attention because I was tired of rewinding to catch something hilarious I though I heard…  Watch it. Watch it by yourself, if you can. I don’t need you and your significant other thinking the other person thinks it’s stupid, which will always affect your own judgment.   That’s right, I know how you couples look to each other for approval. I can say that now because I”m a bitter single cat lady spinster.

Ok byeeee!

Legit Vacation Day 1!

 

SOO for the past 2 days I have been obsessively reading about Universal Studios vacation information and tips, and it has inspired me to continue my vacation blog and HOLY SHIT I just realized my birthday vacation was only 3 months ago and it seriously feels like we went to Florida over a year ago, what the hell??   I guess so much bullshit was jampacked into the past 3 months it feels like it was forever ago that I had the best time of my life; I keep trying to refer to our vacation as “last year.”  Eitherway, it just finally dawned on me that there is a possibility we may go back again next year for the HARRY POTTER LAND EXPANSION  (if everything is still smooth sailing and intact) which means it’s never too early to start obsessively planning since it’s what I do and I can’t sleep at nights anymore knowing we may go back because I lay awake thinking about all the deals I should check out to save money.

Back to the blog! Allow us to rewind to the not so distant past of 3.5 months ago, dated February 13th:

We woke up especially early at our Avanti resort hotel to take advantage of the short(er) line at the in-house Starbucks, grabbed some coffee, and hopped on to the complimentary resort shuttle. After a few stops at other hotels to pick up some other bitches, and 20-ish min later, we arrived at UNIVERSAL FREAKIN’ STUDIOS.  I just.. I just cant even describe the magical-ness I experienced.  Mind  you, I have only ever been to 6 flags or Fiesta Texas, which (lets face it), are complete shit holes compared to Universal. Since this was my first ever legit vacation with no parents/authorities to supervise, I kiiiiiiinda went a bit nuts planning out every exact detail during our park trip. I should mention here that we got express passes (basically cutting in line ahead of all the poor people) only for my birthday which fell on that Friday of our trip.

We originally got 2 days of dual park passes which came with a 3rd day for free. The first day I decided to take us through Universal Studios instead of Islands of Adventure to the absolute SURPRISE AND SHOCK OF … well, no one but myself and Troy, really.  Islands of Adventure (from here on out I will abbreviate as IoA) contains the Harry Potter Land (shut up that’s what I call it) which I have been desperate to visit since before it’s inception in 2010. Even before they decided to build it I always said I’d KILL to go to Harry Potter Land. I had been pining to visit HPL for flippin’ ever and one (no one) would think I’d start my vacation there; my decision to hit Universal first in lieu of IoA for that first day was purely strategic because I am one smart motherfucker.  Here’s why:

You see, I seriously read and watched every article, video, blog, and rumor about the parks (mostly from OrlandoInformer.com, a crazy awesome website). I found a calendar which projects how busy the parks will be, and found that the 1st day we were visiting (Thursday) would be a Slow day. The following day (Friday, my birthday) would be under the Moderately busy status, and Saturday would be legitly Busy.   Since we didn’t have express passes for Thursday, I deduced we should hit Universal Studios first as there would be little to no lines since Universal is seemingly less popular, and express passes would be rendered futile with no lines; we could then spend all the next crowd-busier day at IoA/Harry Potter Land with our Express passes, and bypass all the ridiculous lines.

When it comes to vacations and planning, avoiding people is my #1 priority. Having fun is just a distant second, and is usually just a  happy accident of my intense planning to stay away from crowds.

 

When we walked up the entryway’s enormous staircase and across the connector (with moving walkways!) we noticed these huge groups of Latina girls all wearing matching jackets and backpacks and hair gel.  I exclaimed outloud “FUCKING SHIT, DID WE COME HERE DURING A QUINCEANERA???”  and in all seriousness I held on to this belief until about mid-day when I found out they were tour groups for some “young girl’s association” bullshit.  We ran down the moving walkways (super fun it feels like you are the Flash and I highly recommend it)  and around the insanely enormous group of matchy matchy Latinas to bypass all that bullshit of waiting in line behind them to enter the turnstiles.

ooOooo

Horrible collage because FUCK MSPAINT

We finally got through to enter Universal Studios side and it literally felt like we were walking through an abandoned lot of a movie set. There was almost NO ONE there and we had the run of the place!  I just cant even describe the happiness and magic I felt all balled up inside me. We were 2 kids running around totally unsupervised in a magic play land. We could do whatever the fuck we wanted.

First stop was the Transformers ride!

Day1 pic 2

 

You all may be familiar with the above pic since It’s usually my FB profile. I was so excited when we walked up I started jumping up and down and screaming. There was no one else in the building!

 

oooOOOoo

oooOOOoo a glowy thing!

We had to do army style rolls over and under all the rails because walking through the mile of unoccupied queue would have taken forever. We got to the front and I think we surprised a few of the attendants who weren’t expecting riders that early. They were like dejected losers in HS who sat off in the dinstance and watched all the popular ride attendants be all flashy n’ shit and get all the girls.  Either way, they were all decked out in army gear and called us “recruits” or something. The ride itself was pretty awesome, but I don’t remember much of it because I was trying too hard to take it all in.

The gist is that you are in a squad car trying to apprehend the bad guys, and it’s all 3D with the glasses (BOOOO), and at one point Optimus Prime gets down on one knee to personally thank you for helping out. I do remember screaming like a little bitch and pressing an imaginary break pedal as hard as I could during all the crazy parts.  When our car drove back up to the attendants waiting to help us out they all clapped for us and  yelled that we did a good job. I found that this is a recurring theme with all the rides- each ride starts out like a normal run of the mill time but you somehow end up getting roped into an action packed mini-movie and then everyone applauds you at the end.  It was a bit awkward having a bunch of grown adults clapping at just me and Troy with no other children in sight, which the theme is clearly geared for, but I was laughing my ass off the whole time, so it was all ok.

 

Would have been awesome if MY FINGER WASN'T IN THE WAY

Would have been awesome if MY FINGER WASN’T IN THE WAY

 

The next stop was supposed to be the Minion ride right across the street, but at 9:30am the line was already too long so we did a switcharoo and went to Shrek, instead. Now…  even with this trip being the absolute most amazing experience of my life, I do have to say that a few of the rides were a complete let down. Maybe it was because Transformers was recently built with better technology and Shrek was kinda dated, but I actually hated the Shrek “ride.”  But lets get to the worst part, first, before I explain why the ride sucked.

Waiting for the ride

You can’t see it, but it’s the 3 little pigs in the boxes

The above pic is the room you wait in before you get into the auditorium. This is Troy’s pic from his iPhone.  I TRIED to take a picture with my camera, but in the pitch dark room I didn’t realize my flash was on. My camera emitted a split second blinding light, and all 50 people in the room immediately turned to face me to give me most blood curdling murderous looks possible;  not only was that horribly embarrassing, but TROY basically disowned me and shook his head as he stepped back and pretended he didn’t  know the idiot with the flash. An attendant told me to stop taking pictures or I’d be kicked out, and the guy in front of me kept turning around throughout the whole mini-show to give me looks like he wanted to kill me on the spot. Seriously, guy? It happened 8 minutes ago, you’ll have to let it go eventually.  Maybe somewhere off in a distant blog he furiously wrote about the bitch with the flash who ruined his whole day at Universal Studios.  GOOD I hope I ruined his day!

The doors finally opened to let us in the auditorium and I scurried in to sit off to the far left away from everyone.  The show itself was just a big screen, 3D glasses, and chairs that kind of jerked you around.  The story was really annoyingly stupid and the whole 15 minutes I was hoping it would just end so I could leave. I would only recommend this ride if there is no line and you really want to get out of the heat into a cool dark room, especially since you are misted with water a few times.  *please note that my embarrassing flash incident had nothing to do with my overall judgement of the show!*

After that we headed over to the Mummy’s revenge, which was pretty sweet albeit kind of forgettable, but maybe that’s because we visited the SIMPSONS LAND after. You walk through the MIB area to get from Mummy to Simpson’s and the MIB area is kind of funny (they play dated nostalgic music, like Boys to Men), but once I saw the Simpsons MIB completely dropped off my radar and I made a beeline right towards Springfield.

In retrospect, I do believe the Simpsons part was a very close second to Harry Potter Land in terms of my affections.

All I want in life is to have my favorite shows come to life, and I want to live in them. Even though the Simpsons isn’t my absolute favorite show it was still so fucking awesome to walk around the area and see certain parts of the show look real.  I was just so enamored with it all, and that’s just with the scenery; the ride is mother. fucking. spectacular.

WEEEEE!!!!

WEEEEE!!!!

The Simpsons ride is actually my favorite ride of both parks, I shit you not (but Harry Potter land trumps Simpsons land). The queue is kind of confusing, but once you get into the main room and are divvy’d up into one of 12 mini-queues you don’t really notice a wait because the story begins at that point. There are several screens all about the Simpsons themed room, and it sort of seems at first that you are just listening to the characters talk about semi-random stuff, but at the end you realize it’s a full story from the beginning to the end.  From the mini-lines you are taken into a smaller room, which occupies about 6-8 people, and once again there’s a screen in the room that continues the story line. You are then ushered into an even small room and sat in a “car” and once the ride fully begins the car moves through a garage door and you are all of a sudden underneath the largest fucking giant domed screen; you cant even see any of the other cars so it seems almost like you are the only ones there. The rest of the story and the ride are just absolutely amazing and I was laughing and smiling with my eyes glazed over like a fucking idiot. I can’t even remember a time I smiled so much.

The only con of this ride (and with all of the 3D rides except for the brand new Minion one) is that it’s semi-dated which means the effects aren’t as realistic as they could be. When you crash into something or land in water there’s no aftershock feel to it, and your brain gets a bit confused so it takes away from the realness of it.  Troy’s brain had enough of that confusion and he totally almost puked towards the end. My superior brain was just fine, but from that point forward we had to deal with a motion sickness obstacle (which turned out to be a total blessing in disguise… for ME).

After the ride we had to find a solution for Troy’s motion sickness so we headed back to MIB; I read in one article that the gift shop had Dramamine so we bought some of that, then headed to the MIB ride.  OMG the MIB ride was SOO effing dated.  It was like going through a weird carnie haunted house ride with really old hydraulic effects of aliens popping out on the sides.  It only beats out Shrek for first prize in the Least Awesome ride competition because it’s tied to the nostalgia of my childhood. I honestly cant believe the MIB area is still at the park. It’s a sad statement, but true; it seriously cant keep up with the newer rides since technology has become waaaay more advanced since it was built. I would probably not do that ride again on our next visit.

SO my main objective was not only to avoid lines but also to avoid water rides and kid rides; at that point we had ridden everything on my list, and spent the next hour just having a lookabout and eating at the Monster Cafe. We finished with the Terminator show, which was pretty entertaining, but again pretty dated.  We had planned to spend the whole first day at Universal but after 3 hours we had exhausted the whole park except for the Despicable Me Minion ride, but the line was so insane we moved the visit to day 2 when we had the express pass. With nothing left to do we decided to just check out IoA and get a better idea of how the plan would go down for Day 2.

Here’s the last of the Universal Studios random pics that were taken on Day 1:

 

Panoramaaaa

Panoramaaaa

 

1st sighting of Hogwarts from across the lake!!

1st sighting of Hogwarts from across the lake!!

 

HueHueHue

HueHueHue

 

Getting eaten? Or am I KARATE KICKING A SHARK

Getting eaten? Or am I KARATE KICKING A SHARK

Sooo ENTER ISLANDS OF ADVENTURE FOR THE FIRST TIME:

first off, let me explain how lucky we were that I planned this whole shebang out. Apparently there were like, 4 different tourist/quinceanera groups roaming about, and while we were at Universal Studios they had all gotten their fill of IoA and appeared to be packing up.

Just walking up through the turnstiles you immediately realize you are in a whole different ballgame.  All the money clearly went into building IoA instead of repairing Universal Studios. It’s much MUCH more detailed and extravagant, and compared to IoA Universal looks like a run down movie lot (ok that’s a bit harsh..but it’s just for dramatics).   That being said, I will always go back to US when I get a chance as long as the Simpsons ride is still there. And the Minion ride.  And Transformers.

Anyhoo. We meandered around a bit into the Marvel land and eventually headed into the Wizarding world part. I was almost hesitant to go into Harry Potter land because it was something I had wanted since before it was even built, and for some reason I thought it would never happen. But LO AND BEHOLD:

 

bamBAMbaaaaam!!

bamBAMbaaaaam!!

 

It was just so beautiful I maybe could have even cried but I didn’t.  The crowd was triple what it was anywhere else, but that was ok. We just wanted to take a looksee, and didn’t even expect to go in or near Hogwarts.  Well GUESS WHAT! I was able to flex my awesomeness once again, and I asked one of the random wizard attendants about the Hogwarts tour. They pointed us to go into Hogwarts and said to mention it to one of the other attendants, so in we went amidst the frantic masses trying to put their shit up in the free lockers to get in line quicker than the other bitches. As I was walking towards the front of the line, a wizardy attendant barked at me to go put my bag in a locker (since the ride in hogwarts is a no-bag ride),  and I mentioned the Hogwarts tour. She unlocked a metal chain rope and said “ok, enter.”  I honestly hope to god we looked like celebrities getting special treatment because NO ONE ELSE WAS ON THE TOUR.  We walked up a special flight of stairs and into the Talking Portraits landing.  It was by far the most awesome experience ever mainly because no one else knew about it.  We were able to hang out and just stare and listen to all the amazing talking portraits seen HERE:

INSIDE portraits

BOOMSHAKALAKA

i was just too enamored to even listen to what they were saying. Troy got a video (sorry I have to pay wordpress if I want to add video) but he heard it was the founding wizards talking about .. some stuff..  Anyhoo, after a good while we moved on and experienced a tour of the rest of the castle, which was sectioned off right in front of the motherfucking longest line of fans waiting to ride the Forbidden Journey.  I’m pretty sure everyone thought we were dirty cutters..

DUMBLEDORE!

DUMBLEDORE!

It was insanely dark and no one else had cameras because they aren’t allowed on the ride, but since I am awesome and knew about the tour we got a few. This pic is right smack in front of Dumbledore’s office, and if you are in the regular line for the ride you are about 20 feet further back. But we were right. there.

The tour misses a few parts that you don’t see if you are in the line for the ride, but you get to see everything else later when you eventually get in line to ride.  But that’s a different story for my next blog because there’s another secret that gets you past the hour long wait for Forbidden Journey!

After that we exited Hogsmead and checked out the rest of IoA at our leisure. The Dramamine made Troy sleepy, so I got to ride the Spiderman ride alone. It was really fun, and was very similar to the Transformers ride. Poor Troy got to wait outside and hold my bag : (    The hotel shuttle was making it’s first 4pm pickup so we decided to call it a day and head back to the hotel. Overall I got to ride every ride I planned and then some, and never waited in any sort of line except for the Simpsons which you kind of have to wait for to get the story.

After we got back and showered we used our rental car to pick up some local pizza and some sourpatch kids and electrolyte water at a Kroger, and spent the rest of the night watching Tosh.O.  It was the best ending to an amazing first day : )