Dating in your 30’s: I want to Eternal Sunshine your ass.

Depending on any given number of variables during any given day, I will either exclaim to you that being single is hilariously FUN and EXCITING, or lament through a mouthful of tear soaked cheez-its that it the most soul crushing experience you would never wish on anyone as evil as let’s say, Hitler. And even Hitler had Eva Braun, so fuck that guy. If Tinder had existed back in his day I can guarantee the holocaust would have been directed less towards people of the Jewish persuasion, and more towards people of the “I only drink craft beer through the stein I whittled from the skull of a antelope I shot during my charity mission to Machu Picchu” persuasion. Getting rejected from art school is peanuts compared to the ludicrous dates one in their 30’s has to endure.

With a metric shit ton of dating apps and online sites making it easier to land a date (at least for broads), the rejection experienced from turds you would never throw a bone at in real life also increases significantly. I am completely aware bitches have been complaining about how hard dating is since the dawn of time of Sex and the City, but I honestly believe that with the invention and over-saturation of online dating, trying to find so called soul mate is nearly impossible these days.  Online dating makes everything and nothing happen at once, and it’s maddening, I tell you. It also doesn’t help if you’re a self absorbed asshole like myself, but I deserve love, too. Probably.

Here let me tell you what you either have to look forward to, are already experiencing, or should be grateful as fuck to not have to experience because you were lucky enough to bag someone early on in the game: 

First off, you’ve got the time wasters. The ones you somehow end up talking to every day all day for weeks (a month and a half in one case). You end up sharing all sorts of personal stories and feelings, but for whatever reason, you just never meet up. Eventually you quit talking, and all that’s left is an empty feeling like you lost a friend, reminiscent of your dial-up losing connection while you’re mid-conversation with a stranger in an AOL chat room. It’s just a void that you kind of feel sad about, but also wonder if that person ever truly existed, or will ever remember you.. it’s kind of a mind fuck.

Then you’ve got your Motherfucking Asshole time wasters. These are very similar to the regular kind, but they have an extra fucking twist. For example, one in particular I ended up talking to for over a month since he was overseas on vacation. We got super deep with a mental connection, had a ton in common, and the instant we met up it was like easing into a pre-built relationship. It was absolutely wonderful. Then, 4 real live dates into it, he disappears. Forever.  Well, not entirely because he kept updating his dating profile, so he wasn’t dead. Nothing bad happened between us, but for some reason he went AWOL. And I know what you’re thinking, so no, it wasn’t a wham-bam-thankyou-ma’am sort of thing.

I was completely confounded by this one motherfucking time waster in particular, but then I found all his mugshots online from serving quite a bit of jail time, and I was able to Frozen that shit pretty fast. But it takes a few of each kind of time waster before you realize you do NOT talk to anyone for more than 3 days before you meet up. Good lessons learned, I say.

Sadly enough, the next kind is the Good Guy that you have good dates with but it just doesn’t click. For myself in particular,  I’ve found this weird phenomenon never works because we’re too similar in some ways that aren’t exactly good for a relationship. I mean, I’m a pretty rage-y person, and after dating  a few of these sorts of “good” guys I was able to realize I do need to be with someone who is lighthearted, positive, and goofy, just to neutralize the searing anger radiating from my being. Fortunately most of these good guys felt the mutual disinterest. Unfortunately some of them were just too fucking weird, like the one who stopped me mid-date to ask how attractive I found him (not at all). I prefer being honest (over text well after the date is over), but how do you tell someone you don’t like their face TO their face?

I feel like after the Good Guy, I should throw in the Romeo and Juliet, loosely named because of the location of respective residences. I swear to Jesus, North and South Austin relationships are considered long distance here. It never works. The idea of driving in traffic eventually pulls the two of you apart, and he kills himself. The end.

After that you get the gross weird guys with crappy personalities and the standard bro-dude assholes peppered in. One guy took me to dinner and kept talking about how well the date was going, but once he found out I don’t smoke weed a visible pallor cast over his face. After he got over the 2nd phase of the death of a date (disbelief), he then moved onto the 3rd phase, anger, and declared the date over. Like, he was super pissed off when I told him weed doesn’t do anything for me. His face was an angry face emoji. Like this  😡  I was laughing hysterically as we parted ways and he zoomed off in his little green Cube box car.

But then.. THEN… you go on a date so spectacular and unexpected you forget about all the horrible dates, and come to the realization that THIS is what you endured all that bullshit for. You find this guy, and you discover compatible traits that you didn’t even know existed, or that you even wanted. It’s fucking magical and awesome, and you feel fuzzy in the brain with all the laughter you share in this bubble of a new relationship. Oh but then he decides he likes his life too much as it was before he met you, and doesn’t want to work a real relationship into the mix, so would you settle for being friends?

Seriously, fuck it. Fuck it all. Trying to find a life partner who doesn’t want to procreate, doesn’t require chemically altering the brain to get through a day, AND lives in North Austin? I’m done, I’m out.  Sure, going on dates is fun, but when you’re transitioning into the next stage of your life where you want to settle down, dating is sort of just like watching really long credits before your favorite movie. Or like a porno buffering forever. Like, goddamit GO, I’m ready to see what happens after the plumber fixes the sink.

I’m not giving up on wanting to find that person, I’m just giving up on trying to find him. I’ll never give up wanting. Obsessively reading Sweet Valley High in my teens made sure to ingrain in my subconscious that my goal in life is to find the perfect boyfriend. Can someone please notify me when AI advances to mail order robot husbands?




Anyone want a sxsw wrist band?

If this is the first time I have lied to you to get your attention, I’m sorry. If this isn’t your first time, I’m sure you’re used to it by now, and we can move on.

Who am I kidding, no one’s going to read this. It’s friday during sxsw, and everyone is downtown partying their faces off, while I’m sitting here eating a ham and swiss sandwich, listening to GoT S3E3, and Cuey is chilling in my dirty clothes basket.

Fuckin’ weird-ass little shit. 

But now that you’re here you can read about my Vegas trip! Oh man, so fun. Such winning. Especially on this little guy right here.

My love. 

This was my first time in Vegas, and I quickly learned that you have to hunt for your money makin’ machine. While there are a shit ton of Wheel of Fortune machines in every casino, this sort in particular was rare. In fact, I think I only saw it at the airport, and in the Bellagio, pictured above. You gotta get the fancy “new school” one with the 2 rows of buttons. Not the “old school” one with just a normal looking slot machine where you try to get 3 matching signs and the lever pully thing, but this one with the fancy 5×3 rows. Not the new school one with 2 buttons, but the new school one with 2 rows of 8 buttons!! You see, it’s very particular, and I spent the majority of my time losing on lesser slot machines, till I hit big a few times on this sucker. Ended up putting $100 in the slot machines, and got around $500 back with this baby! Let me tell you.. as an addict, this is THE BEST HIGH EVER. Probably not the best place for an addict to go, but I’m good. I’m fine. I promise.  *frantically googles for wheel of fortune slot machine app*

But this was a super awesome trip, aside from the money makin’. Mad props go to this handsome wildling leader, Kody:

(the one on the right)

We are not a selfie-taking folk (at least I’m not), so that’s the best, and probably only, picture of us you will ever see. That picture was taken at the Absinthe show, which was aaaaaaaaaaawesome. He had scheduled 3 shows in 3 nights, all of which were amazing, and super cool.  First night was Absinthe, 2nd night Zumanity, 3rd night was O.

Russian dudes at Absinthe

“ay yay yay”

Look at those mad awesome seats at O!! Right up 3 rows from the front, but just out of the splash zone. I highly recommend O if you get a chance.

And the FOOOD! We had cheese curds and a Vampire taco (charizo and pork belly in a taco coated in cheese) at Yard House

Vampire taco -tsss!

I even had an Australian man take a picture of my taco and tell me I was inconsiderate for wanting to eat it before he could show his friends (jokingly).

It’s no secret I mainly wanted to go to Vegas for the buffets. We got to try Wicked Spoon at the Cosmopolitan, which was impressive:

I miss you, food. 

freakin’ crawfish risotto, vanilla infused beet salad, some fancy mushroom corn shit, bone marrow,  smoked salmon.


In addition to all that, we got to visit all the casinos, attend a hilarious timeshare presentation, I learned black jack with the side bet thingies, and we both walked away with more money than we came with 🙂

The Flamingo was all pink!

Such a good time, and I miss it all, already.



It had to be bought

I just got back from the gym so please forgive the erratic-ness of my post; that’s right, hot Saturday night date with me n’ the treadmill.  I pushed myself so hard on my run I almost puked, so things are a bit loopy right now. I’m going to make a “fruit of the oven” joke later that probably isn’t funny, but for some reason I think is hilarious right now.



Black to match my heart. 

So today has been quite the day. I bought a massive amount of pre-cut fruit from Whole Devil Worship Foods in an effort to be healthy at least one day during this Godforsaken month.


Fruit of the oven. 

Having subsisted off a diet of pure sugar and carbs this past 26 days, my body and butthole are seriously not used to this amount of fiber, so I’ve pretty much stayed indoors all day.

It’s been great to stay indoors most of this beautiful day, downloading the shit out of heartbreakingly romantic movies.  I did step out for a bit in order to buy the fruit, but also just a bit ago to go run 3 miles at Planet Ghetto Fitness. I’m not going to treat that as an accomplishment, though, since the only reason I went was for a bribe so I could get PTerry’s for dinner. The rat got the cheese.

Moving on. I don’t know how I’ve managed 32 years without learning how to not put clothes on inside out. I’m not sure what the fuck is wrong with me, but I always end up putting my underwear or shirts on inside out, and then when I take them off to flip it around and put it back on it’s STILL inside out. Tonight was a tad different in that later on I found out my running pants were on backwards. No wonder why my gut was a bit more pronounced…

But as of last week I don’t feel so bad about this clothing disability I seem to posess. Last Thursday I was on the treadmill in the back row of the gym with a 90 year old man to my right hoofing it on his own treadmill, and this really skinny fit broad gets on a treadmill on the row in front of us. Something caught my eye, so I looked over and, to my incredulity, she had her shorts sagging down a bit too low, and her shirt was scrunched up above her waist. Right above her shorts line peeked out some giant ass purple granny panties; her shorts were so low you could see the leg holes and everything. My first thought was, OH GOD I WONDER HOW MANY TIMES THAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME, but then I seriously debated on whether or not it was my duty towards the street rules of sisterhood to go and tell her.

But then I said fuck it, nah. Me and the old dude will always have this secret, knowing the hot girl had her granny panties out and about flapping in the wind. Eventually as she ran her shirt fell down and covered her ass, and the old man’s breath returned to a semi-normal rhythm for being on a treadmill. I felt bad I didn’t say anything, but it was nice to know those things happen to people who aren’t me.

Anyhoo, back to my emo movies. I’ve downloaded a shit ton of amazing movies that will hopefully make me break down into tears because I really feel like I need a good cry, and the only times I can cry is if I’m in front of someone else and I’m trying really hard NOT to cry (such as during a presentation in front of a class), and Cuey doesn’t give a shit if I cry, so I have to rely on alternative means.

Currently I’m watching Before Midnight, which isn’t weepy, but so far so good. It appears to be about a couple who visits Italy (probably Italy, I dont feel like googling where they really are), and how they interact and talk about their relationship. It sounds boring as shit now that I’m typing this out, but I like it so far, and the beautiful scenery and mood reminds me of my childhood summers, which is nice.

Then it’s on to 500 Days of Summer EVEN THOUGH it’s got Zoey Davechapelle in it, then Bright Star, which looks absolutely amazing, then Mary and Max even though it’s not a romantic movie, but I do remember watching it forever ago and bawling my eyes out. If you have any lesser known boohooey type romance movies you can recommend feel free to share with me!


Oh, I’m 32 Years Young…Frankenstein.

The fan idea definitely did not work.

jr c


In fact, it just made her howl louder, and the next day she puked on my sheets as a means of revenge while I was watching Deadpool. Not just one sheet. All of them. The comforter, the top sheet, and the fitted sheet. She dragged her puke across my scrunched up sheets that were piled on the far corner of the bed.


jr cat


SO, I think Cuey’s going to take a little vacation to Uncle Troy’s house for a week or so pretty soon, here. Give me a bit of a break to finally sleep more than 3 hours in a row, and maybe have Auntie Kiah and Auntie Kjelsi teach her some manners.

On to the next. This entries theme is going to be all about things I learned about myself this past year. As all 2 of you readers know, I turned 32 this past Valentine’s day, and I’ve been doing a bit of self reflection, usually while I’m in the shower because what else am I going to think about when I stand there, completely still for 30 minutes?

Things are definitely a-changin’. My uterus is getting more and more mad that I’m not putting a baby in it (fuck you, uterus, it ain’t happenin!), my heart is getting more and more crusty because I haven’t found a life partner, and the cellulite is becoming more pronounced after eating probably 104 hamburgers from Pterry’s over the this past year.

So I did what any normal chick in her mid-30’s would do. Picked up running again and bought some IPL treatments from a fancy spa down the road. Anyhoo. This blog is less picture-ific than usual (post edit: I guess I lied), so instead I’ll wow you with a LIST:

Things that have dramatically changed for me this past year:

  1.  Most dramatic and important change – Watching Parks and Rec over again last week (season 3 is my favorite), I realized I am super attracted to Jean-Ralphio. Not the actor.. the actual character. Previously I found him absolutely repulsive and a ridiculous portrayal of a human being. Now I find him quite charming and adorable, and would lock that shit down so fast.



  2. Which maybe ties into this next one: I am not a cat person any more. This is super freaky. I mean, I AM the stereotypical cat spinster lady. I identify as that. During job interviews when they ask “tell me a little about yourself” I always lead off with “well.. I’m totally a cat lady, I love Harry Potter, and.. ”  But this is weird, and it makes me feel like my whole life has been a complete sham. When I think deeper into it,   I don’t think I’m a cat OR a dog person. or  maybe I’m both? No, I think i’m a raccoon person now. I fucking love raccoons.

    Trash Panda says “I do!”

  3. I dont feel like I’m 20 anymore,  and I dont think that’s a bad thing. I’m sure when I’m 40 I’ll look back on this and think, YOU FUCKING IDIOT WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?  jk. I’ll never be 40. But for real. I’m a late bloomer. I didn’t get my chachas till I was about 20. I spent all of 25-31 feeling like I had just turned 22, and kind of feeling like I never fit in anywhere. I’m not sure if this is because I didn’t hit puberty till way late, or maybe it’s because I spent 6 years of my 20’s black out drunk, but it’s kind of nice to finally feel my age.
  4. I decided I definitely would like to get married at some point. To another person. Just to be clear. I dont know why I feel like I should clarify these things. But I had spent quite a while of my late 20’s leaning towards never marrying, and had accepted a life of solitude, and then tried accepting a life of having 5 boyfriends, instead, and that was super awesome until it wasn’t awesome. And after all that waffling back and forth, it’s finally been cemented down that I totally do want to own someone, and likewise be some dude’s wifey. I figure, hell. I’m not going to experience all these huge milestones in life that all my friends do; might as well just try one of them.
  5. BUT: I aint getting married just because I decided I’m open to getting married. I’d rather be single and relentlessly search for a “soul mate” than marry the first chump that comes along. Which means I’ll die alone, basically. I am fully aware that, while I want to eventually get married, doesn’t mean it’ll happen. That’s ok.
    -I’m sure there’s more, but my feet have lost feeling from sitting crosslegged on the floor while typing this –

Never have I ever wanted to punch a cat in the face so bad


Seriously. Fuck this ho. I don’t know what Cuey’s beef is, but the past 2 months she has been non-stop meowing all fucking night, causing me to shout, curse, then eventually get up 3-4 times a night to put more food in her fucking bowl. This is not how it should be. I should not be waking up for nightly feedings. I chose to be childless for a reason! This is so fucked up.

And YES. I have tried it all. I have tried ignoring her, but as we all know by now, cats have evolved their vocal chords to mimic that of a baby’s cry, and the sound grates on my brain. Once again, this is fucked up, as I do not ever wish to have kids, and here I am, being woken up by a fucking baby.

I have tried spraying her with water each and every time she meows, as a vet tech person once recommended.. but this does not phase Cuey. In fact, she staunchly sits there and takes it with a look on her face like, WE SHALL OVERRRRCOME!

I’m seriously thinking about giving her away. For a week or so. I just need more than 3 hours of sleep > : (

So today I went out and bought a box fan, which I will post up in my bedroom doorway, and will turn on full blast when I go to bed in hopes that the windforce will freak her out into silence, or at least drown out her howling. Maybe it will also drown out the sound of the fucking dump truck that spends a half hour banging on the dumpster and throwing glass bottles around at 3 am. each. morning.  Why does everyone want me to murder them?

Right, so I tried to take a nap after work today, but Cuey wouldn’t let me, so I went to Lowes super pissed to buy a box fan. I had to put jeans on to appear semi-decent at Lowes, and got even more pissed that I now have a gut hanging out the front. What the fuck. So I came home with my box fan, put on my work out clothes, got my spiffy new bluetooth mp3 player and headphones (the kind that clean out your ears!), and stomped off to the gym for the first time in half a year. Angrily jogged 2 miles, and came home to eat a can of smoked oysters because in my weird 6 month funk I haven’t really been grocery shopping. I think this may be my new favorite dinner/meal. Have you ever had chili soaked oysters? Fucking fantastic.

But yeah. I was inspired to run, all because of my goddamn cat who made me put on pants to buy a box fan. I call this a successful day. The end.


It’s true, I’m 31 now. I don’t know how I got to this point, and I’m not sure I like being here with 1/3rd of my life over. But here I sit on throw pillows in my apartment, eating lemon drops, and jamming out to Charli XCX like I’m 13.  I think I have age dyslexia.

Anyhoo, I’ve noticed that one of the cool things about getting older is actually appreciating all the shit ya got.  I’ve had a few circumstances in my life where I kind of sit back and go “shit man.. I have some goddamn fucking awesome friends. And I dont even know why they like me, but even if it’s out of pity, I lucked the motherfuckignshit out.”   And one of those times was this past weekend on my birthday extravagannnzaaaa.

As all 3 of you readers know, I kind of go crazy on my birthday and celebrate for a whole week.. or two.. and this birthday was to be a big’un. Over the course of the first half of 2014 I had planned a mega trip to Universal Studios to celebrate the big 13, I mean 31.  WELL. Those painstaking, amazing plans were thrown in the garbage, and I have cried many a time since about it since.  I still kept the week off work, and decided to wallow in my misery those 9 days.. I actually did wallow in misery for most of my vacation, but that was because my body decided to hadouken the shit out of my uterus, and I had to deal with my lady time for the majority of my staycation, but what I’m trying to say is that I didn’t have the chance to wallow in misery about the loss of my carefully planned Universal vacation, because of the surprise bday party my supermotherfuckignawesome friends put together!

My girly night lady friends came over Friday night and surprised me by setting up a balls-out amazing pinterest-esque Harry Potter birthday, and it was the best thing EVER.






OMG butterbeer cupcakes and chocolate frogs!

OMG butterbeer cupcakes and chocolate frogs!

WTF cheese broomsticks how CUTE IS THIS?

WTF cheese broomsticks how CUTE IS THIS?

That bean dip was the shit.



Dude, Amy even made wands out of superglue and.. sticks. HA!

Fairly sure this is sacrilegious..

Fairly sure this is sacrilegious..




Wizard ladies of the night: Amy, Casey, Andrea, Teri   **

Of course I had a Slytherin scarf. And I also got a legit Draco Malfoy wand!

Hell yeah I'm riding a vacuum. I'm a modern wizard

Hell yeah I’m riding a vacuum. I’m a modern wizard

We had a good ole time hanging out, eating lots of shit, and talking about the dirty things girls talk about when they hang out. Well, girls who hang out around me, anyway. ** Honorable mention goes to Kara and Troy for doing recon work **

The next day (my actual birthday day) my family took me out to breakfast at the Hyatt downtown, cos we’re fancy bitches like that, and I was gifted some awesome toy skulls from after we trekked down to Congress to see his art stand in front of that one Mexican art museum. The morning was really fun, even with Audrey trying to walk downtown in high heels for an hour. No one got whistled at, which was disappointing, but we all had a great time (I think).

Later that night my 2 besties Andrea and Kara took me to Fork n Vine, and that was some hilarious times as well. They sat the 3 of us at a 6 top giant round table, and after Kara and I expressed our displeasure at not being sat at a booth, we had a shit ton of people falling over themselves to make us happy to the point where it was a bit of overkill, but whatever, fuck all the couples there IT’S MY BIRTHDAY. Either way, we ate a metric crap load of food, and it was all fantastic. Here’s a pic of Andrea swirling her Perrier to open up the fine body and light crisp notes of no-taste.

yes, quite.

yes, quite.

Um.. we didn’t really get any other pics because I always forget to do that sort of thing, but we had a great time hanging out till the wee hours of the morning.

SO yeah! Awesome times, great way to start my 31st year of life and all that jazz. I also ended up getting a 90 minute deep tissue massage that was so tortuously painful and wonderful I’m pretty sure I paid for a S&M session without realizing it. I rounded out the vacation with yet another massage (only 60 minutes this time) where the table vibrated the whole time.. I swear one day I’m going to write a blog on all my weird ass massage experiences… but that blog is not today’s blog.

Also, thanks to everyone who wished me happy birthday on FB! Not sure if any of yall read this, or read this far down, but THERE YOU GO.

Sooo.. things have changed

Hi there. Enough about me. Watcha thinkin’ about?

So lots of things have happened in the past year. I feel like this update should be dedicated to explaining the split up of Troy and me, like we’re Beyonce and JayZ publicly announcing a split, but part of me just wants to brush over it and talk about my favorite Movies of 2014.

TL; DP (too long didn’t post) Troy and I amicably ended our 3 year stint together about 5 months ago. I moved out and am now on a 1 week staycation where I should have been in FL having the best harry potter time of my life for my 31st birthday, but instead am sitting on my ass stuffing my face with popcorn and crying while I monitor the Universal Studios App. Ha ha.. not really. That only happened once. Mostly I just cry while watching the movies.

But yes, mommy and daddy have split up. We still love you both, though, and will try extra hard to win your affection with presents and no curfews! Is that a thing? Do kids still have curfews these days?  I feel like once you give your 3 year old an iPhone all rules and authority go out the window…

Anyhoo! Here are my all time favorite movies I watched during 2014 (not to be confused with reviews of movies that came out in 2014..) (also, after saving the images I realized that all these movies contain a shit ton of nudity. If that gets your panties in a wad don’t watch ANY  of these. My words don’t contain nudity, so you’re ok to keep reading):

4. Nymphomaniac Vol 1 and 2:


Honestly, there weren’t too many images I could find to post on this public blog.. but this movie was absolutely incredible, beautiful, and fascinating.  Even the intro just blew my socks off (you can never go wrong with Rammstein, in my opinion).

Yes, it’s about a nymphomaniac,  and it’s long as hell, but I could have watched Vol 3-10 if they had been made. Vol 1 gets you familiar with the protagonist, and some crazy as shit stuff she goes through, whereas Vol 2 is the girl grown up played by Charlotte Gainsbourg. I’ve only seen this actress in a few fluffy movies, so it was kind of disconcerting to see her in this sort of role, but I am crazy about her to pieces.  Also Shia LaBeouf and Uma Thurman are in this movie (wtf?) and shit man, this movie is crazy. Definitely not for the faint of heart…

Weirdly enough it was written and directed by the same dude who did Melancholia (Lars Von Trier), which I totally fucking hated, so.. alright then.

#3.  Take this Waltz


OMG OMG OMG. This movie just broke my heart into a million pieces. I am forever in love with Michelle Williams. Once again, another visually stimulating movie with beautiful colors and emotion and…

Seth Rogen WTF??

Seth Rogen WTF??

YEAH. Seth Rogen, are you shitting me? I haven’t cared for him since his 40 Year Old Virgin days, and it was pretty nice to see him in a romantic drama where I actually sorta feel bad for him, and not in the normal “aw, you have a JewFro” kind of way.

The synopsis is that she and Seth are married and disgustingly in love, but there are a few things missing in the relationship. She forms a bond with a super hot dude she met on vacation, and ultimately has to decide whether or not to leave her sweet, boring husband to run off with something new and shiny. The ending was kind of lost on me since I’m not sure how she felt about her decisions, but that’s kind of neat because I feel like you can draw your own conclusions about a situation that I feel a lot of people cross during their lifetime.


Also Sarah Silverman is fantastic, and there’s a screen involving blue pool dye that is fucking hilarious. You get to see both of them completely nude if that’s your thing, but it comes with a price of seeing quite a few other.. older.. women nude.

I watched this movie during a pretty heartwrenching time in my life, and this movie just tore what was left to pieces and then stomped all over it, but in a good way.  I recently watched it again to make sure that my love for this movie wasn’t just an emotional connection, and I loved it much more the 2nd time around.  I will buy this movie one day, that’s how much I love it.

#2 Under the Skin


This movie.. holy shit. HOLY SHIT, MAN. Just trying to find images to put up here.. I felt SO sick thinking about this movie. It is by far one of the most amazing movies I have ever seen.. and the symbolism! FUCK GRAVITY and fuck all the awards it won and fuck everyone who ever said that movie was good.. Gravity is total garbage with shitty overt symbolism compared to Under the Skin.

I was immediately connected with this movie once it began, and just felt every single fucking part of it, and couldn’t get the screen close enough to my face.  It’s incredible to feel that way about a movie when you’re not even fucked up on anything.

Basic gist is that Scarlett is part of a group of aliens that comes to earth specifically to collect humans for.. a reason. I mean, just that part right there.. unless I totally missed it I don’t even think you find out what they use the humans for!  You see Scarlett driving around trying to seduce men into her van and I DON’T EVEN WANT TO GIVE ANY MORE AWAY.

I guess the British never learned to not get into a white van

I guess the British never learned to not get into a white van

And ohhhmygod it has one of the most intense scenes EVER of a dude trying to save a drowning couple, and I just wanted to vomit the whole time. And the fucking soundtrack! It fucking pierces your brain and punches you in the stomach each time she goes out hunting for another human. AGH I need to watch this movie again NOW!  Quite a bit of the movie is watching Scarlett observing humans, so if you don’t like long drawn out visually stunning scenes then this ain’t for you, toots. It’s just crazy how this movie was so silent, yet so loud and chilling at the same time.  And then there’s all this crazy symbolism about human life in general and it’s A CRAZY FUCKING MOVIE, MAN.  Afterwards I wanted to read as much as I could about it, and found out some really interesting shit. You should do that, too.  If.. if you watch it. I can see how this movie isn’t for everyone. ESPECIALLY THE PART ABOUT THE BABY OMG SORRY I HAD TO SAY IT.

#1. Vamp U

And now for something completely different. Like, all those other movies were just intense, and then Vamp U hahah what? This looks like a shitty joke of a movie, and don’t get me wrong it kind of is. But it was SO much funnier than I expected. Something I learned from Sorority Boys and Dirty Love, never judge a movie by it’s skanky cover.



The only reason I watched this movie was because I needed something on for background noise while I played 2 Dots on my phone. I watched the trailer on hulu and something sparked my interest, I dont remember what, but I’M SO GLAD I WAS BORED THAT DAY.

Because I’m basically in love with Adam Johnson now:


Side note, I feel like this movie got the teeth down right…

It’s terribly low budget (I think the director screwed all his kikstarter donors over, haha), and the dialogue is really off at times…  but I laughed so hard a few times I almost peed my pants.  It seriously reminds me of a movie I would have made, had I gone to a decent college and also had I been motivated in driven while attending said imaginary college.

Breakdown is that Adam plays a really old vampire named Wayne Gretsky (HAHAHA why? I dont know!) who accidentally murders the love of his life, and as a result cannot grow his fangs anymore. Present day finds him as a professor of history at a college, and he takes up with a girl who reminds him of his dead love.   The movie is all over the fucking place, but I love it to pieces, and will also buy this movie somehow. Gary Cole is also in it, if you’re into him.  It has a 22% on Rotten Tomatoes, but Gravity has 98%, so we all know we can’t trust the masses.

I honestly think that people expected this movie to be a super campy parody of vampire movies with lots of gratuitous nudity, or something. It’s not really, it’s just a fucking story with bad writing and hilarious actors.  The only thing is that you have to kind of pay attention to what’s going on. After the first 15 minutes I put my phone down and paid full attention because I was tired of rewinding to catch something hilarious I though I heard…  Watch it. Watch it by yourself, if you can. I don’t need you and your significant other thinking the other person thinks it’s stupid, which will always affect your own judgment.   That’s right, I know how you couples look to each other for approval. I can say that now because I”m a bitter single cat lady spinster.

Ok byeeee!