Depending on any given number of variables during any given day, I will either exclaim to you that being single is hilariously FUN and EXCITING, or lament through a mouthful of tear soaked cheez-its that it the most soul crushing experience you would never wish on anyone as evil as let’s say, Hitler. And even Hitler had Eva Braun, so fuck that guy. If Tinder had existed back in his day I can guarantee the holocaust would have been directed less towards people of the Jewish persuasion, and more towards people of the “I only drink craft beer through the stein I whittled from the skull of a antelope I shot during my charity mission to Machu Picchu” persuasion. Getting rejected from art school is peanuts compared to the ludicrous dates one in their 30’s has to endure.
With a metric shit ton of dating apps and online sites making it easier to land a date (at least for broads), the rejection experienced from turds you would never throw a bone at in real life also increases significantly. I am completely aware bitches have been complaining about how hard dating is since the dawn of time of Sex and the City, but I honestly believe that with the invention and over-saturation of online dating, trying to find so called soul mate is nearly impossible these days. Online dating makes everything and nothing happen at once, and it’s maddening, I tell you. It also doesn’t help if you’re a self absorbed asshole like myself, but I deserve love, too. Probably.
Here let me tell you what you either have to look forward to, are already experiencing, or should be grateful as fuck to not have to experience because you were lucky enough to bag someone early on in the game:
First off, you’ve got the time wasters. The ones you somehow end up talking to every day all day for weeks (a month and a half in one case). You end up sharing all sorts of personal stories and feelings, but for whatever reason, you just never meet up. Eventually you quit talking, and all that’s left is an empty feeling like you lost a friend, reminiscent of your dial-up losing connection while you’re mid-conversation with a stranger in an AOL chat room. It’s just a void that you kind of feel sad about, but also wonder if that person ever truly existed, or will ever remember you.. it’s kind of a mind fuck.
Then you’ve got your Motherfucking Asshole time wasters. These are very similar to the regular kind, but they have an extra fucking twist. For example, one in particular I ended up talking to for over a month since he was overseas on vacation. We got super deep with a mental connection, had a ton in common, and the instant we met up it was like easing into a pre-built relationship. It was absolutely wonderful. Then, 4 real live dates into it, he disappears. Forever. Well, not entirely because he kept updating his dating profile, so he wasn’t dead. Nothing bad happened between us, but for some reason he went AWOL. And I know what you’re thinking, so no, it wasn’t a wham-bam-thankyou-ma’am sort of thing.
I was completely confounded by this one motherfucking time waster in particular, but then I found all his mugshots online from serving quite a bit of jail time, and I was able to Frozen that shit pretty fast. But it takes a few of each kind of time waster before you realize you do NOT talk to anyone for more than 3 days before you meet up. Good lessons learned, I say.
Sadly enough, the next kind is the Good Guy that you have good dates with but it just doesn’t click. For myself in particular, I’ve found this weird phenomenon never works because we’re too similar in some ways that aren’t exactly good for a relationship. I mean, I’m a pretty rage-y person, and after dating a few of these sorts of “good” guys I was able to realize I do need to be with someone who is lighthearted, positive, and goofy, just to neutralize the searing anger radiating from my being. Fortunately most of these good guys felt the mutual disinterest. Unfortunately some of them were just too fucking weird, like the one who stopped me mid-date to ask how attractive I found him (not at all). I prefer being honest (over text well after the date is over), but how do you tell someone you don’t like their face TO their face?
I feel like after the Good Guy, I should throw in the Romeo and Juliet, loosely named because of the location of respective residences. I swear to Jesus, North and South Austin relationships are considered long distance here. It never works. The idea of driving in traffic eventually pulls the two of you apart, and he kills himself. The end.
After that you get the gross weird guys with crappy personalities and the standard bro-dude assholes peppered in. One guy took me to dinner and kept talking about how well the date was going, but once he found out I don’t smoke weed a visible pallor cast over his face. After he got over the 2nd phase of the death of a date (disbelief), he then moved onto the 3rd phase, anger, and declared the date over. Like, he was super pissed off when I told him weed doesn’t do anything for me. His face was an angry face emoji. Like this >:( I was laughing hysterically as we parted ways and he zoomed off in his little green Cube box car.
But then.. THEN… you go on a date so spectacular and unexpected you forget about all the horrible dates, and come to the realization that THIS is what you endured all that bullshit for. You find this guy, and you discover compatible traits that you didn’t even know existed, or that you even wanted. It’s fucking magical and awesome, and you feel fuzzy in the brain with all the laughter you share in this bubble of a new relationship. Oh but then he decides he likes his life too much as it was before he met you, and doesn’t want to work a real relationship into the mix, so would you settle for being friends?
Seriously, fuck it. Fuck it all. Trying to find a life partner who doesn’t want to procreate, doesn’t require chemically altering the brain to get through a day, AND lives in North Austin? I’m done, I’m out. Sure, going on dates is fun, but when you’re transitioning into the next stage of your life where you want to settle down, dating is sort of just like watching really long credits before your favorite movie. Or like a porno buffering forever. Like, goddamit GO, I’m ready to see what happens after the plumber fixes the sink.
I’m not giving up on wanting to find that person, I’m just giving up on trying to find him. I’ll never give up wanting. Obsessively reading Sweet Valley High in my teens made sure to ingrain in my subconscious that my goal in life is to find the perfect boyfriend. Can someone please notify me when AI advances to mail order robot husbands?